The Making of a Spiritual Woman Video #1
As I sat on a park bench in yet another stunning park in France, I stared up at the sky and said to Guy, my friend, “I just want to be happy, Guy. I just want to be happy.”
He replied very simply, “Well, that’s a very good goal to have.”
His answer seemed too simple. Too unemotional. I felt dead inside, couldn’t he understand that?
I arrived in France an excited, but broken woman, and after the exhilaration of preparing and settling in to my beloved France, all my issues came rolling in to be healed.
I was so excited to be in France, as it had always been a dream of mine to live there, but real life set in and I wondered how I was going to feel genuinely happy…within my heart. Or maybe it was inner peace I was seeking? I didn’t know.
To say I was confused was an understatement.
I had had so much drama in my life. One thing after another kept happening and I was exhausted, particularly after the recent event that I left behind in Canada.
Yet, a tiny piece of my soul was still shining and it desired more out of life.
It desired more of EVERYTHING…
One year earlier… ( from my actual diary)
“Well, here it comes – life has really gotten to me today. I have to write in her today because I have a major decision to make – whether David and I stay together or not.
There has been so much going on with us for so long that I’ve not written about, so I don’t even know where to start.
I guess things REALLY started to escalate when we got married. The constant berrating of how I did or didn’t do things.
How he used to “teach” me how to wipe the counter tops.
How he used to “teach” me how to get out of the shower so that no water went on the floor.
How I had to wrap the remote control in plastic and every day unfold a layer so no finger prints got on the remote.
I was literally backed into a corner so many times during arguments where I screamed at him to stop controlling me.
But this wasn’t all. We constatnly fought about money. In fact about 50% of our arguments are over money. He gets so stressed about it that he takes it out on me. He has started to become verbally abusive.
He doesn’t even allow me to have my own credit card! And, I’m the one teaching all day, coming home, tutoring students, cooking dinner, doing the dishes, then going to teach piano so we can get this f—king house fixed up!
There is so much more I could say, but I was totally going into a depression. I felt trapped in a horrible marriage.
I finally told David and things got a bit better but after 2 weeks everything returned to normal. One night I was lighting candles for dinner and he blew them out. “Why do we have to act?”, he said.
I felt my heart drop into my stomach.
Was this going to be my life???
Today, my sister and I came home from enjoying a nice moccahino and David asked what price I got for my car insurance. It turned out to be slightly higher than what he found and he flipped.
My stomach clenched and then I said calmly, “We’re going to work out down stairs.”
He then said, “It’s 4:30 and you haven’t even cooked dinner. What am I going to eat?”
I got so mad and thought, “I don’t know, what ARE you going to eat???” But I said, “I’ll make you something after I exercise because Jana has to get home soon.
He slammed the door and walked out.
After Jana went home David and I talked and argued and then decided that he definitely had to see a counselor for his stress and anger issues.
I love his soul but he has so much baggage to work out.
We need to re-start our relationship – to remember who we were when we fell in love with each other. Should we live apart and date again to try and start over?
I’ll see how things go with the counselor but I am serious about having to end things.
Having it be so close to being a reality is so heart wrenching, unbelievable, sad… and scary!
Oh my God, I feel something inside but I don’t want to admit it….
The Vice Principal at my school is in my head and I can’t stop thinking about him!
*Some names have been changed to protect their privacy*
See you tomorrow when “The Making of A Spiritual Woman” continues with Part 2!