Dear Diary,

Oh my God, all this paperwork is incredible! And the money it’s costing me to get everything notarized! I’m so stressed!

But… I am SO invigorated. I’m doing it! I’m actually going! My dream is coming true!!!! I’m moving to FRANCE!

God, I am so happy and grateful and excited!

Today I have a phone conversation with the father of the family I will be living with – he speaks some English Thank God! I’m nervous!!!

Later…

Oh MY GOD!!!!!!!!

I have just been on my knees sobbing. You are never going to guess what has happened.

While on the phone with the father (who was so nice by the way) he timidly said, “I have a question for you.”

Oui?

“The French government has declared that every school must begin an English program and the teachers at our local school feel terribly unprepared to do this. Would you be open to setting up and teaching the English program since we don’t really need much from you except to drop off and pick up the boys from school?”

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I replied, “Bien sur!” I would LOVE that!

The Universe had taken care of me. I honoured myself. I went after my dreams and the Universe gifted me exactly what I required to earn money & be a teacher in France!

Afte the call I literally dropped to my knees, sobbed and repeated, “Thank You , Thank You, Thank you!

I love me. I love my life. I love God.

I cannot believe that I leave in 2 weeks!

Side note:

I spent the next two weeks rushing around saying good bye to everyone, shopping and preparing for my move.

Matt never did return the phone call I made after returning from New York.

I didn’t care because I was so proud of myself.

I have done a lot of thinking recently and I realised I had put him up on a pedestal . The last month I was with him I always felt I had to look perfect and be perfect. I am at the point now where I won’t accept a relationship where you don’t feel like you can be yourself and feel accepted.

Like I feel when I’m with Tony.

Ever since returning from New York, he and I have been practically spending every day with each other.

We continued to laugh, sing together, go for countless nature walks where he taught me about different plants and birds (he was a forrest ranger), watched foreign films and ate yummy vegetarian meals together…that he cooked.

We have healed each other.

He brought me back to nature and the complete appreciation of it’s beauty. I will never look at a mountain scene or a tree the same way again.

He accepted me for exactly who I was. I could completeley be myself.

He was totally into music which reconnected me to a part of me that I missed. (I got to SING! – My Dream!!!)

I reconnected with Art and so many different styles of music – Shakira to name just one.

He reconnected me to laughter and my own sense of humour. He told me I helped him gain his self-confidence back and I am so happy I could give him something in return for all he’s done for me.

Honestly… I have never felt so at ease with myself.

Even when I went to the school to say good bye to the teachers and pick up a few things to bring to France for teaching.

I walked into the staff room, feeling so womanly, happy, confident and proud of myself and there was Matt.

I chatted with people and could see he was staring at me the whole time.

I finally turned to him.

He said, “Hi, how are you?”

“Good, really good.”

“I hear you’re off to France.”

“Yes!”

“That will be an amazing experience. I travelled around there one year.”

“Yeah, I ‘m very excited. Thanks. Well, I’d better photocopy these things and get going.”

“Have a great time,” he said.

“Thanks” I said with a warm smile.

As I drove away from the school I saw movement at the office window. It was Matt, standing alone, watching me leave. And that was the last I saw him.

Tomorrow I leave for Paris – Ahhhhh!!!!

JOIN me HERE for the post where I get on the plane and fly away to Paris!!! And, of course, you know that at this time in my life there was always drama, so come see what happens once I land in Paris.

I’m curious… what do you think about the whole Matt story?  Do you think if I had stayed in Canada we would have sorted things out and gotten back together?

Do you think he was for real or just a person sent my way to get me away from my marriage so that my next evolution could take place? Let’s chat in the comments!!

Bisous!

Dear Diary,

Today was court day for David and I had to attend in case they wanted me to testify.

“How am I going to sit there with him looking at me?” I thought. I didn’t have to testify in the end though. Thank God.

The prosecutor offered him a deal, which he took, so after a long while of back and forth the case was closed. He would have to report to probation once a month, take an anger management course and refrain from contacting me or coming to our home for one year.

David got up from his seat and walked past me. Our eyes met. Man he looked handsome, just like when we first met.

I felt deep and utter caring for him since we’ve been through so much together. This all seemed so surreal.

I have questioned my decision on many different occasions. And, for many reasons, I’ve doubted myself.

1. The house is finally finished and it’s beautiful. I really resent not being able to live in it after working so hard for it.
2. There were many great things about our marriage and I miss those times. He always made me feel like I was the ONLY one for him. I want to feel this again. Will I?

I never wanted anything really horrible to happen to him and by how his hands were shaking in court, I know this has scared him.

Time will heal us both. I just need to continue on my journey of discovering who I am and what I want.

I need to get a very strong sense of who I am so that when I get in a relationship again I am sure of my beliefs, desires and needs.

I felt my sense of self slip away when I was with Matt and I didn’t like that feeling. Heck, even HE didn’t like it!

Hmmmm…what do I want?

If I’m honest, I SO want to go to France and live there. I’ve been feeling the calling for 2 years! Well actually, it’s been my dream since elementary school.

How can I make this a reality though?

I asked God this question and was told to go to the University’s International section where everyone I had ever admired had gone to figure out how to do their studies in a different country.

“Maybe they can guide me,” I thought.

Because it was summer holidays I spent days reading through books on “How to Work in France”.

I found numbers of schools and tried calling them.

I was SO nervous to speak French with a real Parisian!!!

“La Parisienne” said they weren’t accepting non-European teachers at this time.

After a couple of weeks of researching and becoming excited as well as disheartened, I realized that I basically had two options:

1. To be a Grape Picker
2. To be an Au Pair.

I was a teacher, and a damn good one! How could I be an au pair!?

Well, it’s wasn’t my dream, but at least I’d have experience with children…?

I went back and forth on this. I chatted with countless people saying, “Yeah, I’m thinking of going to live in France, but…

• I’d have to leave and come back during a recession where all they do is lay off teachers. I need to be smart and stay here to keep my name in the loop.
• I’d have to be an au pair! I’m not a spring chicken! I’m a 25 year old divorcee!
• I NEED to work! I didn’t want a long drawn out divorce so I settled for nothing but $10,000. How am I supposed to live on that?

I’ll never forget the day that something clicked within me. I remember where I was. I was sitting outside on a beautiful summer’s day, chatting with a friend of a friend and he said,

“Go for it! Life will be here waiting for you. It’s your dream!”

It was almost as if I needed that permission. I went home to Edmonton after a great weekend and made my decision.

I was going to France. And I was going to be an au pair. This was MY time.

And as soon as I announced my decision my whole body knew that THIS was exactly what it was supposed to do.

Join me HERE when the VERY FIRST MIRACLE OCCURS in this exquisite journey!

Have you ever had a dream (or maybe you still do?) that you so desperately desire(d), but logically it just didn’t or doesn’t feel doable?  Share that in the comments below.  Perhaps I can help you see your way through it a bit.

Much love,