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emotional rollercoaster
CategoriesMANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of a Spiritual Woman: Video #9 (Emotional Rollercoaster!)

Dear Diary,

What an emotional roller coaster this week!

I’ll just start right away with the latest. Matt moved out and he ignored me! I was truly angry and hurt. He said,  “Give me time”.  I said, “Yeah well, I’m moving on and when you’re ready, I’ll see.”

He was angry and hurt at this. I continued to be angry and he kept trying to chat with me and I gave short and quick answers.

The FUN news is that my friends from high school got married and I got TONNES of attention ate the wedding! It was amazing!

I thought to myself… OK, I’ll be nice to Matt now that I’ve got 100 other options.

On Sports Day at school I was on a high. I was loving myself and my life. I felt confident and totally in tune with myself…

And then Matt asked if I’d like to go for a drink after work.

I said, yes. Okay, I admit it, I was happy. Happy he was still interested. Happy because I really DO like him. Happy to have his attention again.

He said, “Really? Cool!”

The difference this time was that he invited some friends along too. Hmm…he forgot to mention that part.

We had a really nice time and then he asked if I’d like to come back to his place.

We watched a bit of TV and then he took my hand, turned to me and said,

“I’ve been waiting for this time for ever, and now I feel so nervous, like a 14 year old. I just want to kiss you.”

Ahhhhhh!!!!! I was melting. God, when he talked to me like this I felt like I was living in a movie. I was experiencing romance. Romance that I never thought I would ever, ever get to experience in my life!

I said, “Just do it” and so we kissed. It was soft, tender and then quickly grew passionate REAL fast. We chatted and kissed for a bit and then I had to go home as we both had work the next day.

I was on cloud nine. Wow, I honoured myself and then while I was happy, he came back as he saw what he was missing.

YEAH ME!

I went to school full of energy and bliss and….he completely ignored me.

I was pissed off, but I didn’t show it. I just acted distant too.

The following week he stopped by my classroom and handed me one of his famous little notes, “Walk & talk?” it said.

I went over to his place that evening and as soon as I stepped into his house he grabbed me and said, “I’ve been waiting so long to do this.” Then he kissed me REALLY passionately.

I was in shock!

I felt desirable. I felt womanly. I felt what I had wanted to feel for years….PASSION!

We drank wine, got tipsy, danced to Shakira’s Spanish album, and made love for the very first time.

(And yes, it was indescribable.)

The next day everything was great and continues to be amazing except… we don’t see each other a lot outside of school.

His friends ask him to do things a lot, which is great for him – I’m truly, very happy for him except that he’ll cancel with me or just keep going with them and this makes me question how he truly feels about me and what he’s actually looking for.

I figured that he would feel the same way as me because of all the things he had said and wrote me.

Why wasn’t he as desperate to spend every moment with me as I was with him??

Why was he so on and off?

If you feel strongly about someone you want to spend time with them, right?

I think when we see each other on Friday I’ll ask him where he wants things to go.I can’t take this emotional roller coaster any more.

Friday came and Matt called to tell me what “he and his friend are doing” and would I like to come?

WHATTTT???? Excuse me????

How long has it been since you’ve seen me and you make plans with a friend and invite me to come along after we had already spoken about getting toether on Friday???

I was PISSED!

However, I figured, “Ok, after tonight, I’ll have a big talk with him.”

Then I find out he’s putting his dog down. I DEFINITELY know what utter pain that is so I was NOT going to try and talk about “our relationship” issues.

I arrived at his house and it was pouring rain. I drove us to his friend’s house and as we ran from the car to the house I put up the hood of my jacket.

While we stood waiting for his friend to open the door he looked at me, laughed, and took my hood off.

The head chatter was quick and furious.

You’re not attractive enough. You’re not womanly enough for him. He doesn’t really like you. What are you even doing with him, Erin? Try really hard to impress his friends so he likes you.”

Later, I drove him back to his house. We started talking about how he’s been feeling about putting his dog down. I was listening, being very supportive then he said, “Thank you for coming out tonight – it was fun!”

I don’t know where this came from, but out of my mouth popped, “You know, I would really like for you and I to just go out and have fun together.

He replied,“Yeah, that’ll come.”

Arghhhh!

I was so pissed off that I scoffed, “Yeah”.

He said, “What was that?” I said, “Nothing.”

He said, “You can’t do something like that and then say, “Nothing”.

I said, “Well, I do need to talk to you but now is for sure not the right time.”

He asked if I wanted to talk to him before or after tonight and I said before.

He had a worried look on his face and all I could think of was, “What the hell are you worried about? What do you really FEEL?”

I left shortly after feeling depressed, deflated, confused, unattractive, low…

Thank God I was going to Calgary to be with friends that weekend. I need to get perspective on this whole thing. Would they tell me to calm down or to walk away?

What would YOU do at this point?  What do you think they tell me?  What do you think I did? Tell me in the comments below, okay?  Your comments make this whole series even more fun!

Click HERE for Part 10 of “The Making of a Spiritual Woman: A Pilgrimage that Began in Paris”, where I experience a HUGE embarrassment!

Love,

Erin Kurt

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setting boundaries
CategoriesMANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of a Spiritual Woman: Video #8 (Setting Boundaries)

Dear Diary,

Was he SERIOUS???

How in the world, after all we’ve shared with each other, after all the confession sessions after work, after the POEM he wrote me!

He had the gall to invite me to a scavenger hunt he and his girlfriend were hosting????

I was furious!

I ignored Matt the whole next day and he knew something was up, so he came to ask me if something was wrong.

I told him to just stop. Stop talking to me, stop flirting with me, stop everything until he’s figured out what he wants.

I said, “I can’t keep having these roller coaster of emotions. One day you’re into me and the next day you’re confused. Just figure your life out and I’ll go on with my life.”

The next day he didn’t talk to me, come around, or even acknowledge me at lunch time in the staff room.

I guess he was taking me seriously!

I felt like a part of me was missing. I went home that night totally depressed. Had I completely messed up? Should I have stayed with David and given him another chance? He was just so scared he was losing me, that’s why he broke the door down.

I began feeling like I’d completely messed up my life.

The next morning Matt had to give me something school related . He was ULTRA professional; it almost seemed as if he was angry at me!

At recess I went to his office and he told me that not speaking to me was so hard on him. My heart melted. He DID care!

I totally agreed and told him how I felt a piece of me was missing.. The rest of the week was back to normal. We flirted, had fun, and he was coming to my room again. YEAH!!!

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL! (How quickly emotions can change!)

On Friday, the school had a really fun day planned. It was all about fitness, so as a school, we all did an aeorbics class! Matt did it beside me and he kept complimenting me on my legs – THAT was new! No one had ever done that!

I did notice him hanging around the instructor afterwards though….

Another teacher noticed too and later she told me that at lunch she was bugging Matt about how interested he was in chatting with the instructor afterwards and how pretty she was and he said,

“Yeah I got her number. She had a great body!”

My stomach fell, my heart fell. What the HELL was going on??

I thought he was different. I knew he was flirty, but now everything is piecing together and I’m fed up!

I am totally going to move on with Tony AND spend time with MYSELF and my friends!

I really can’t be with someone who has this quality.

I feel so strong right now. YES! It’s time for Erin to stand up and be HERSELF now!

I am going to focus on myself!

I spent the next week singing with the guys, dancing to the Gyspy Kings,(among other things with Tony) and feeling absolutely in LOVE with my freedom and my life.

Then, at the end of the week I heard that Matt moved out and ended things with his girlfriend…

I’m curious!  What would YOU have done at this point? Drop him? Ignore him? Get excited that we could move on together now? Share your thoughts and comments below:))

Join me HERE for the next installment of this Series. You are never going to guess what Matt does! Mark your calendars, Ladies!

Love,

Erin Kurt

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CategoriesMANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of an Spiritual Woman: Video #7 (Endings)

It was 9pm at night when the phone rang. It was David.

He wanted to talk.

In my mind there was nothing left to discuss and I was heartbroken because I had to put Lucky down the day before.

Lucky had been the dog I dreamed of, the dog my dad made me write a report about to show I would know how to take care of him. This little angel had been by my side for 17 years.

My puppy was so scared the day we entered the Vet’s office. He has a massive tumor and was in so much pain. He started shaking uncontrollably, crawling over my shoulder to try and get away as he must have felt something was going to happen.

I tried to hold it together when he peed on me out of fright. My sweet angel.

This day was one I told you would never happen.

I used to lie in bed with him when I was a young girl and say, “I will never put you down. I don’t know how people can do that. I love you, Lucky.”

And here I was, doing just that. I HAD to. Our whole family entered the room and I sat Lucky on the cold, metal table. I had my arm around him and then the vet came in to inject him.

The first try didn’t work and Lucky became agitated. All I remember is the sound of his scratching nails on the metal table, trying to climb up on me again. I broke down sobbing and then…

My sweet angel dropped slowing into my arms and he was gone.

Anyone who has ever had to do this knows the deep PAIN of this.

My puppy loved me unconditionally. He was the one who waited atop the sofa to see me come home from school each day. He is the one who sat silently by be when I cried over a heart break.

He was the one who would lick me uncontrollably when he was happy.

I couldn’t believe he was gone.

The loss I felt was profound.

And now, David wanted to talk…

I shared with him the devastating news that I had to put Lucky down and at first he was genuinely sorry. He knew how precious Lucky was to me.

Quickly though, he wanted to change the topic to us.

He was saying all the right things, being sensitive, admitting his wrong doings, his realizations. He wanted me to give us one more chance. He promised it would be different.

I was feeling very emotionally weak.

How could I end a marriage when someone was telling me all these things? I never thought I’d get divorced! I had to do the right thing and try one more time.

David saw I was opening to the idea so he tried to rush my answer. I asked him to give me a bit of time as I was still grieving from Lucky’s death.

He pushed, and when I said firmly, “David, I’ve just lost Lucky. I need some time”, David’s reply was, “Erin, he was just a f_cking dog!”

It was then that I knew… It. Was. Over.

I said, “You’ve just made my decision. Good- bye.” And I hung up.

I got ready for bed yet had a horrible feeling in my stomach. I felt that David might try and come over to continue this conversation. It was his pattern.

I got into bed, still feeling sick to my stomach when I heard the a car screech up to the house. The car door slammed and before I knew it he was ringing the doorbell nonstop.

It was 1:30am.

I started to get concerned that my parents would be woken up so I got out of bed.

Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding….he didn’t stop ringing the doorbell.

Now my parents were up.

The ringing switched to pounding.

“LET ME IN!!!!!” David yelled.

I became so scared, especially after my previous experience, that I called 911 and asked the police if they could just come by and make him go away.

The police officer kept me on the phone by asking lots of questions and I started to get so anxious.

“Please, just send someone! He’s going to break the door down!”

All of a sudden I heard a huge THUD . Down came a set of double doors and in came David charging at me.

I screamed and yelled, “Please, send someone! He’s broken down the door!”

My father came between me and David and then a fight broke out.

David pushed my father down.

My father, who has a soft heart like me, said calmly, “Hey buddy, please just calm down.”

I”’m not your f-cking buddy! Let me talk to Erin!” he replied.

Then my mom got involved and David started yelling obsenities at her.

My dad managed to get David out to the front lawn but after David pushed him down once more and started wrestling with him, my sister got involved.

She came outside with a tennis racket and began hitting David with it to get him off my dad.

Meanwhile I’m on the phone begging them to please send the police. The officer kept assuring me they were on their way, but it was taking forever!!!

Finally, they arrived and pulled David off my dad.

One officer handcuffed David and put him in the car and another came to check on me.

He said they’d be back to take my statement.

I waited until 4:30 am, meanwhile planning for a subsitute teacher (the “JOYS” of being of teacher)

At 4:30 the police arrived and as soon as they came in they said, “This isn’t the first time he’s been abusive, is it?”

I said no and they told me that he was a typical abuser. As soon as they put him in the police car he began banging his head on the window saying , “Why are you doing this to me???”

Their reply? “Buddy, you did this to yourself.”

After giving my statement to the police I fell fast asleep…totally and utterly exhausted, both physically and emotionally.

Did this all just happen?

Is this MY life?

I was in disbelief.

The next day I went in to see Matt and the Principal to share what had happend just in case David decided to break the restraining order put against him and come to get me at the school.

I was trying to be so strong, but I half talked, half cried.

Matt was so concerned, and I admit, it felt nice to have a man know that this was unacceptable behaviour.

Later that day Matt came to tell me how strong I was and that all he wanted to do in that office was  hold me.

I felt very, very cared for…for a couple of days.

So why did I find an invitation in my mailbox inviting me to “Matt & Tanya’s” house for a Scavenger Hunt????

Join me HERE for Part 8 of “The Making of an Spiritual Woman” where I try and learn to set boundaries and teach people how to treat me – a lesson I will need to practise over and over again! The start of my SELF LOVE journey begins.

Can you relate to any part of this story? I’d love to hear from you in comments below.  The more we speak up and share, the more we can help other women currently going through this situation.

See you tomorrow!

Love,

Erin Kurt

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CategoriesMANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of an Spiritual Woman: Video #6 (FREEDOM!)

Dear Diary,

I was giddy!!!

My new life was beginning!

My whole body felt exhilarated and FREE!!!!

Finally I had told David what I had wanted to tell him for years.  And finally, Matt and I were going to share what we had wanted to share for months.

The afternoon couldn’t go quick enough.

We decided to meet at a certain bar close to the school.

We did small chat and then Matt spilled his guts.

This was the BEST day!!!

What I had wondered for months was finally answered!

Unfortunately, it was Sprink Break and we’d be away from each other for 10 days.  Plus, he was still with his girlfriend and was in the process of breaking it off with her.

How did I spend my Break?

With Tony!

After hearing of my break up he invited me to piano recitals, museums, and again to dinner.

We spent evening after evening with Ian and our other friend John jamming in their basement.  Ian on the drums, Tony on the guitar, John on then base and me as lead vocals.

Was this actually happening?

Was this my LIFE?

I had NEVER felt this way before.  I could be myself.  I could laugh as loud and silly as I wanted (David always told me to quiet down.  People would think I’m weird)

One night, Tony and I were alone.  We had a bit to drink…okay, a lot, and just laughed and sang the entire night.  At one point he pulled me up to dance with him, stared into my eyes and then kissed me.

Ahhhhhhh!  To feel passion again.  To feel desired again.  To feel feminine and womanly again!

By a man who enjoyed life as I did.  This confirmed to me that I had done the right thing by leaving David.  THIS was who Erin was.  THIS was the life I wanted to live.  THIS was the kind of man I wanted to spend time with.

I was very honest that night and openly shared that there was possibly something between another man and myself.

I just felt I had to be open.  I’ve never lied. I just can’t.

Spring Break came and went and school was back in session…as was Matt’s flirting.

He came back and handed me a poem he had written entitled, “BEAUTIFUL”.  I had never had anyone write something so deep and beautiful about me.

My whole body felt FULL. Full of everything good that I had yearned for.  I remember feeling like life was a lover for me.

I used to think that I was just going to have to settle.  That I would have to watch romantic movies to experience real romance.

But, here I was.  Erin.  Receiving profound, loving attention from two wonderful men.

Life was feeling incredible… until the night the police had to come to my parent’s home and arrest David.

Join me HERE  for Part 7 of “The Making of an Spiritual Woman” where I share something I cannot even believe I experienced in my life.  BUT, it’s also the moment when my FREEDOM & AWAKENING truly began.  

See you tomorrow!

Love,

Erin Kurt

ekurt
CategoriesMANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of a Spiritual Woman: Video #5 (Divorce)


Dear Diary,

Matt was so much on my mind that I couldn’t concentrate on saving my marriage anymore.   Not to mention that David was back to being his old self again.

Truthfully,  I KNEW I didn’t want to save my marriage, but I didn’t want to hurt David.

And, I felt it was the right thing to do to try and do whatever I could to save it. That’s what people do, right?

Until…

An old friend came to town. 

I hadn’t seen her in ages and it felt SO GOOD to be the happy go lucky Erin again.

We laughed and laughed and decided to call up all our old friends from Grade 8.

Deb suggested we call Tony and Ian.  She had dated Ian in grade 8 and I had dated Tony, but we ended up just being friends in the end.

The guys were SO happy and surprised to hear from us.  Ah, it was amazing!

We reminisced for hours then they said, “Hey, why don’t you guys come over tomorrow for dinner?  We’ll cook!”

What???? Guys who actually COOK?  Fun!

It felt so good to be around wonderful men.  They sent us on an Easter egg hunt, served us an incredible meal and then brought out their guitars.  We sat in the living room and sang for hours.  

I was in heaven.  I felt ALIVE.  I felt happiness again.  

And singing?  Music?  It is something that feeds my soul. 

For a few hours I felt who Erin wanted to be, or should I say who I already was, but couldn’t be.

At midnight David called and demanded I come home.  He shouted how irresponsible I was etc. and I just stood there shaking my head.

Little did he know, I felt perfect.

I admit that I felt attracted to Tony and his talent that night and if I’m correct, he felt that way too.

We got home quite late and I had to drive Deb to the airport, so I decided to take a sick day.

I was so confused.  I felt like my life was falling apart, yet I felt what life COULD be like.

My whole body felt physically and emotionally drained.

At noon, Matt called.  I was in shock!

He said he missed me. Ahhhh!!!!

The whole day I prayed to God for answers.  All that I kept hearing was,

“You know what you have to do. You don’t want to, but you know.”

At 5pm David came home.  I was sitting on the sofa and he came and knelt down beside me and asked, “Do you want a divorce?”

“Yes.” 

For the first time I felt my whole body say yes and mean it. It was over.

He frieked out a bit calling my dad to come pick me up.

My dad came and at the last minute, while seeing pain on David’s face, I almost said, “Oh, forget it!” but I knew what needed to be done.  

Not just because of Matt, but because my marriage had been unfulfilling for years, and what I needed and desired, David could NEVER naturally give me.

The next day I went to school and Matt asked me if I was okay because I looked down.

I told him I moved out last night for good .

Later that afternoon, he walked past my classroom and beckoned me to the door.  He handed me a note.

It said, “Drink after work?”

Join me HERE for Part 6 of The Making of a Spiritual Woman” where the REAL Erin begins to live life FULLY! Until…

With Love,

Erin Kurt

ekurt