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CategoriesMANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of a Spiritual Woman: Video #5 (Divorce)


Dear Diary,

Matt was so much on my mind that I couldn’t concentrate on saving my marriage anymore.   Not to mention that David was back to being his old self again.

Truthfully,  I KNEW I didn’t want to save my marriage, but I didn’t want to hurt David.

And, I felt it was the right thing to do to try and do whatever I could to save it. That’s what people do, right?

Until…

An old friend came to town. 

I hadn’t seen her in ages and it felt SO GOOD to be the happy go lucky Erin again.

We laughed and laughed and decided to call up all our old friends from Grade 8.

Deb suggested we call Tony and Ian.  She had dated Ian in grade 8 and I had dated Tony, but we ended up just being friends in the end.

The guys were SO happy and surprised to hear from us.  Ah, it was amazing!

We reminisced for hours then they said, “Hey, why don’t you guys come over tomorrow for dinner?  We’ll cook!”

What???? Guys who actually COOK?  Fun!

It felt so good to be around wonderful men.  They sent us on an Easter egg hunt, served us an incredible meal and then brought out their guitars.  We sat in the living room and sang for hours.  

I was in heaven.  I felt ALIVE.  I felt happiness again.  

And singing?  Music?  It is something that feeds my soul. 

For a few hours I felt who Erin wanted to be, or should I say who I already was, but couldn’t be.

At midnight David called and demanded I come home.  He shouted how irresponsible I was etc. and I just stood there shaking my head.

Little did he know, I felt perfect.

I admit that I felt attracted to Tony and his talent that night and if I’m correct, he felt that way too.

We got home quite late and I had to drive Deb to the airport, so I decided to take a sick day.

I was so confused.  I felt like my life was falling apart, yet I felt what life COULD be like.

My whole body felt physically and emotionally drained.

At noon, Matt called.  I was in shock!

He said he missed me. Ahhhh!!!!

The whole day I prayed to God for answers.  All that I kept hearing was,

“You know what you have to do. You don’t want to, but you know.”

At 5pm David came home.  I was sitting on the sofa and he came and knelt down beside me and asked, “Do you want a divorce?”

“Yes.” 

For the first time I felt my whole body say yes and mean it. It was over.

He frieked out a bit calling my dad to come pick me up.

My dad came and at the last minute, while seeing pain on David’s face, I almost said, “Oh, forget it!” but I knew what needed to be done.  

Not just because of Matt, but because my marriage had been unfulfilling for years, and what I needed and desired, David could NEVER naturally give me.

The next day I went to school and Matt asked me if I was okay because I looked down.

I told him I moved out last night for good .

Later that afternoon, he walked past my classroom and beckoned me to the door.  He handed me a note.

It said, “Drink after work?”

Join me HERE for Part 6 of The Making of a Spiritual Woman” where the REAL Erin begins to live life FULLY! Until…

With Love,

Erin Kurt

ekurt
elegant woman
CategoriesELEGANT BEAUTY, ELEGANT TRAVEL, MANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, MANIFESTING PROSPERITY, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of a Spiritual Woman: A Pilgrimage that Began in Paris Video #1)

The Making of a Spiritual Woman Video #1

As I sat on a park bench in yet another stunning park in France, I stared up at the sky and said to Guy, my friend, “I just want to be happy, Guy.  I just want to be happy.”

He replied very simply, “Well, that’s a very good goal to have.”

His answer seemed too simple. Too unemotional.  I felt dead inside, couldn’t he understand that?

I arrived in France an excited, but broken woman, and after the exhilaration of preparing and settling in to my beloved France, all my issues came rolling in to be healed.

I was so excited to be in France, as it had always been a dream of mine to live there, but real life set in and I wondered how I was going to feel genuinely happy…within my heart.  Or maybe it was inner peace I was seeking?  I didn’t know.

To say I was confused was an understatement.

I had had so much drama in my life.  One thing after another kept happening and I was exhausted, particularly after the recent event that I left behind in Canada.

Yet, a tiny piece of my soul was still shining and it desired more out of life.

It desired more of EVERYTHING…

One year earlier… ( from my actual diary)

“Well, here it comes – life has really gotten to me today.  I have to write in her today because I have a major decision to make – whether David and I stay together or not.

There has been so much going on with us for so long that I’ve not written about, so I don’t even know where to start.

I guess things REALLY started to escalate when we got married.  The constant berrating of how I did or didn’t do things.

How he used to “teach” me how to wipe the counter tops.

How he used to “teach” me how to get out of the shower so that no water went on the floor.

How I had to wrap the remote control in plastic and every day unfold a layer so no finger prints got on the remote.

I was literally backed into a corner so many times during arguments where I screamed at him to stop controlling me.

But this wasn’t all. We constatnly fought about money. In fact about 50% of our arguments are over money.  He gets so stressed about it that he takes it out on me.  He has started to become verbally abusive.

He doesn’t even allow me to have my own credit card!  And, I’m the one teaching all day, coming home, tutoring students, cooking dinner, doing the dishes, then going to teach piano so we can get this f—king house fixed up!

There is so much more I could say, but I was totally going into a depression.  I felt trapped in a horrible marriage.

I finally told David and things got a bit better but after 2 weeks everything returned to normal.  One night I was lighting candles for dinner and he blew them out.  “Why do we have to act?”, he said.

I felt my heart drop into my stomach. 

Was this going to be my life???

Today, my sister and I came home from enjoying a nice moccahino and David asked what price I got for my car insurance.  It turned out to be slightly higher than what he found and he flipped.

My stomach clenched and then I said calmly, “We’re going to work out down stairs.”

He then said, “It’s 4:30 and you haven’t even cooked dinner.  What am I going to eat?”

I got so mad and thought, “I don’t know, what ARE you going to eat???” But I said, “I’ll make you something after I exercise because Jana has to get home soon.

He slammed the door and walked out. 

After Jana went home David and I talked and argued and then decided that he definitely had to see a counselor for his stress and anger issues.

I love his soul but he has so much baggage to work out.

We need to re-start our relationship – to remember who we were when we fell in love with each other.  Should we live apart and date again to try and start over?

I’ll see how things go with the counselor but I am serious about having to end things. 

Having it be so close to being a reality is so heart wrenching, unbelievable, sad… and scary!

Oh my God, I feel something inside but I don’t want to admit it….

The Vice Principal at my school is in my head and I can’t stop thinking about him!

*Some names have been changed to protect their privacy*

Click HERE for  Part 2 of “The Making of A Spiritual Woman”. 

ekurt