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MANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of a Spiritual Woman: Video #5 (Divorce)

Dear Diary,

Matt was so much on my mind that I couldn’t concentrate on saving my marriage anymore. Not to mention that David was back to being his old self again.

Truthfully, I KNEW I didn’t want to save my marriage, but I didn’t want to hurt David.

And, I felt it was the right thing to do to try and do whatever I could to save it. That’s what people do, right?

Until…

An old friend came to town.

I hadn’t seen her in ages and it felt SO GOOD to be the happy go lucky Erin again.

We laughed and laughed and decided to call up all our old friends from Grade 8.

Deb suggested we call Tony and Ian. She had dated Ian in grade 8 and I had dated Tony, but we ended up just being friends in the end.

The guys were SO happy and surprised to hear from us. Ah, it was amazing!

We reminisced for hours then they said, “Hey, why don’t you guys come over tomorrow for dinner? We’ll cook!”

What???? Guys who actually COOK? Fun!

It felt so good to be around wonderful men. They sent us on an Easter egg hunt, served us an incredible meal and then brought out their guitars. We sat in the living room and sang for hours.

I was in heaven. I felt ALIVE. I felt happiness again.

And singing? Music? It is something that feeds my soul.

For a few hours I felt who Erin wanted to be, or should I say who I already was, but couldn’t be.

At midnight David called and demanded I come home. He shouted how irresponsible I was etc. and I just stood there shaking my head.

Little did he know, I felt perfect.

I admit that I felt attracted to Tony and his talent that night and if I’m correct, he felt that way too.

We got home quite late and I had to drive Deb to the airport, so I decided to take a sick day.

I was so confused. I felt like my life was falling apart, yet I felt what life COULD be like.

My whole body felt physically and emotionally drained.

At noon, Matt called. I was in shock!

He said he missed me. Ahhhh!!!!

The whole day I prayed to God for answers. All that I kept hearing was,

“You know what you have to do. You don’t want to, but you know.”

At 5pm David came home. I was sitting on the sofa and he came and knelt down beside me and asked, “Do you want a divorce?”

“Yes.”

For the first time I felt my whole body say yes and mean it. It was over.

He frieked out a bit calling my dad to come pick me up.

My dad came and at the last minute, while seeing pain on David’s face, I almost said, “Oh, forget it!” but I knew what needed to be done.

Not just because of Matt, but because my marriage had been unfulfilling for years, and what I needed and desired, David could NEVER naturally give me.

The next day I went to school and Matt asked me if I was okay because I looked down.

I told him I moved out last night for good .

Later that afternoon, he walked past my classroom and beckoned me to the door. He handed me a note.

It said, “Drink after work?”

Join me HERE for Part 6 of The Making of a Spiritual Woman” where the REAL Erin begins to live life FULLY! Until…

With Love,

Erin Kurt

MANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of an Elegant Woman Video #4 (The Romance Begins!)

I was woken by the telephone. It was David.

“Erin, I’m SO sorry,” he cried.

“I don’t know what came over me. I WAS too drunk to drive. I should have given you the keys. I’m so sorry for scaring you.”

“Scaring me?” I said. You not only scared me. You put me in a headlock and choked me! Then you kicked me onto the street and later pushed me down the stairs!”

“I pushed you? No I didn’t.”

“I’m not going to argue any more with you. It’s over, David. I’m done.”

“Please, Erin. Don’t do this. I’ll get help. I’ll tell the counsellor all about this. I know I need help.”

I hated hearing him cry. I hated hurting people.

A million thoughts were running through my head, “People don’t get divorced in my family. I’m scared. Am I REALLY going to end things??”

“Ok. But let me tell you this,” I said. “You put one finger on me and it is over. Do you understand? No more chances.”

“I promise,” he said. “Come home. Let’s talk.”

I went back, but I felt dead inside. I felt nothing for him. I was numb.

Meanwhile, me and the Vice Principal, Matt, had been getting along really well…

Dear Diary,

I haven’t written much about Matt in here for fear David would read it, but needless to say, I have feelings for him.

All year, I have been thinking, “Wow, he is SO nice!”

As time went on, we were good friends and found it extremely easy to talk to each other. We had many joint activities to organize so we spent a lot of time together.

My attraction to his looks and personality increased daily.

He spoke of things he likes to do and what he does in relationships and this made me think, “Wow, I’d love it if David were like this.”

I also began noticing that we had tonnes in common.

Eventually he started to lightly flirt with me.

I accepted this for a few months then started realizing just how much I was thinking about him; how much I loved being around him and how I missed him over the weekends.

I started to get so confused about my feelings, what I wanted to do with my life and what I wanted to do about my marriage. After feeling completely depressed, I told David that I needed some time.

I packed up and went to live at mom and dad’s house. I started to see a counselor and it felt so freeing to let out all my feelings.

Valentine’s Day came and David tried really hard to court me. We actually had a really nice night – one of the best Valentine Days we’ve ever had, so on Monday, I moved back into our home.

Everything was blissful for a few weeks and then David turned right back to himself.

Matt on the other hand, kept flirting.

I was SO confused!

I was becoming totally dissatisfied with my marriage. I knew that I wanted passion and dinners and cooking together and candlelight and romance… (Matt loved ALL of these things)

David kept asking me, “Why do you want to act?” when I would try and light candles at dinner time.

One day Matt came in to my room and asked me if I could drive him to get his Jeep from the dealership. All I remember is that it felt sooooo good being in the same space with him!

The way he stared at me while I drove made me melt!

I went home and phoned Jana and said, “This is becoming IMPOSSIBLE! I think I’m falling in love with him.”

The following week, while sitting in Matt’s office, he said, “I could say so much, but I won’t.”

I didn’t push, but I was SO curious!

Did he feel the same way towards me as I did for him?

I felt excitement for life again. I felt JOY. I felt feminine!

He said this same thing a few more times over the next few weeks. Finally I said, “Look, say something!”

He looked straight into my eyes and said, “I wonder every day what it would be like to be with you. I get excited to see what you’re going to wear everyday. I love walking by your classroom and seeing you teach and show love for your students.”

I just about died!!!! My body was alive! I was feeling romance and passion!!! I felt like a WOMAN.

The difficulty I’m having is that I’m going to counselling and being asked this question, “Erin, do you WANT to save your marriage?”

I said, “Yes.”

Did I?

Join me HERE for Part 5 of “The Making of an Elegant Woman”. THIS post is the second most beautiful and pivitol moment of my life. It’s when I rediscovered who ERIN really was – I have such amazing memories of this day!

MANIFESTING INNER PEACE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of a Spiritual Woman: Video #3 (Abuse)

Dear Diary, I don’t even know how to start to describe what happened after our games night with friends. We were having a fun time, enjoying nice snacks and drinks but when we were going home, I told David that I would drive because I had only had 1 1/2 drinks the whole night. He was drunk. He refused to give me the keys. We argued, as usual, but he refused to give the keys to me. I was so tired that I stupidly got in the car just to avoid another huge argument with him, but as he drove, I got scared; not just for me but for other people on the road. I told him to pull over. He said no. So I threatened to jump out of the car. He pulled over and started screaming at me. I was so disgusted at how he wouldn’t just hand me the keys to keep us and everyone else safe! How hard was that??? He refused, saying I was exaggerating, so I said, “Well, if you want to kill yourself be my guest, but I won’t be staying in this car with you.” As I went to open the door. He grabbed my hair and put me into a head lock. I was so scared because I’d never seen him like this before. It was like a demon had come into him.

Why was he so determind to drive?

I was choking, so I began fighting him. I remember seeing on Oprah to scratch at a guy’s eyes, so I did whatever I could to get him to let go of me. I must have hurt him because the next thing I know he opened my door, called me a bitch and kicked me out of the car onto the street. I was totally and utterly in shock. All I remember doing was getting up and running. Thank God we were close to my mom and dad’s house, so I was just going to run to there. Soon, I started hearing a car’s tires squealing and an engine revving louding. It was our car coming straight down the street that I was running! I was so scared so I found a bush to duck down behind. As I crouched behind this bush I thought to myself, “Erin, you are Nicole Brown Simpson.” (How ironic that on the night of my stagette we all watched the TV in disbelief at OJ Simpson runninng away from the poice in his white Bronco).

Deep inside my soul I knew at this moment that it was over between David and I.

The out of control car continued to squeal it’s way through the residential streets until finally the night went silent. Frightened, I cautiously walked to my parent’s house. My sister let me in and I went downstairs to go to sleep. I didn’t say a word to Jana about the incident. I never did share our problems, out of humiliation.

Soon, I heard David’s voice.

Oh, shit! He starts yelling to my sister, “Where’s Erin? She gone crazy! She was scratching at my eyes. She’s gone crazy!” My sister dind’t know what in the world was going on, so she showed David where I was and said, “Erin, what’s going on???” I stomped up the stairs towards David and said, “Get the H__LL out here!!! It’s YOU who was drunk and was choking me! Don’t you EVER lay a hand on me again! Get out!” David got so angry he pushed me down the stairs. I began sobbing and yelled, “GET OUT!!!!!” Thank God he left. I went into my bed, curled up in the fetal position and said to myself, “It’s over. That’s it.” The next morning I was woken by the telephone. It’s was David…

Click HERE for a very different kind of post…yes, it’s not ALL drama…tomorrow I begin to experience ROMANCE!

With Love, Erin Kurt

MANIFESTING INNER PEACE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of a Spiritual Woman: Video #2 (Marriage Counselling?)

Dear Diary,

What a life I lead. I”m sure it’s the same for everyone, but sometimes you feel like, “Can’t I have fun for a long period of time without some big crisi happening all the time?”

David had been going to counselling and things were great for about 2 weeks. (this is his pattern). Then one day he just reverted back to the old David.

I was so exhausted from teaching, tutoring and teaching piano with the house STILL not being finished that I just had a breakdown.

I told David that I didn’t know if I wanted to be married, that I wanted to go to France, that I wanted to date other guys – I just wanted out of my life!

He thought we both should go to counselling so we went. After the session we had a masssive argument over…get this…a POTATO!

I told him I was okay to go home and make something quick, a baked potato.

He said, “No, I don’ t want to have to clean up. Let’s get fast food.”

I said, “You can get something but I’ll wait to have my potato at home.”

He kept badgering me saying, “No, Erin, Let’s get fast food.”

Finally, I looked at him and said, “I’m OK with this. I’ll have a potato. You get what you want, OK?”

He accused me of controlling the conversation.

What????

I said, “David, you are telling me what I can and cannot have. Just get yourself some fast food and let’s be done with this!”.

Again, he insisted. Now I went pyscho. I screamed, “David, this is about a POTATO!”

He said, “Why can’t you compromise?”

I said, “I thought I did!”

This was ridiculous! I am going to tell the counsellor about this at our next session. I can’t take this anymore.

I bet Matt, the Vice Principal, would never treat his girlfriend this way.

Tomorrow we’re going to our friends house to play games. That should be fun. I am really just wanting life to feel happy again.

Please God, I don’t know how much longer I can take this.

Click HERE for Part 3 of “The Making of a Spiritual Woman” where so much occurs and so much is decided…or is it?

With Love,

Erin Kurt

ELEGANT BEAUTY, ELEGANT TRAVEL, MANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, MANIFESTING PROSPERITY, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of a Spiritual Woman: A Pilgrimage that Began in Paris Video #1)

The Making of a Spiritual Woman Video #1

As I sat on a park bench in yet another stunning park in France, I stared up at the sky and said to Guy, my friend, “I just want to be happy, Guy. I just want to be happy.”

He replied very simply, “Well, that’s a very good goal to have.”

His answer seemed too simple. Too unemotional. I felt dead inside, couldn’t he understand that?

I arrived in France an excited, but broken woman, and after the exhilaration of preparing and settling in to my beloved France, all my issues came rolling in to be healed.

I was so excited to be in France, as it had always been a dream of mine to live there, but real life set in and I wondered how I was going to feel genuinely happy…within my heart. Or maybe it was inner peace I was seeking? I didn’t know.

To say I was confused was an understatement.

I had had so much drama in my life. One thing after another kept happening and I was exhausted, particularly after the recent event that I left behind in Canada.

Yet, a tiny piece of my soul was still shining and it desired more out of life.

It desired more of EVERYTHING…

One year earlier… ( from my actual diary)

“Well, here it comes – life has really gotten to me today. I have to write in her today because I have a major decision to make – whether David and I stay together or not.

There has been so much going on with us for so long that I’ve not written about, so I don’t even know where to start.

I guess things REALLY started to escalate when we got married. The constant berrating of how I did or didn’t do things.

How he used to “teach” me how to wipe the counter tops.

How he used to “teach” me how to get out of the shower so that no water went on the floor.

How I had to wrap the remote control in plastic and every day unfold a layer so no finger prints got on the remote.

I was literally backed into a corner so many times during arguments where I screamed at him to stop controlling me.

But this wasn’t all. We constatnly fought about money. In fact about 50% of our arguments are over money. He gets so stressed about it that he takes it out on me. He has started to become verbally abusive.

He doesn’t even allow me to have my own credit card! And, I’m the one teaching all day, coming home, tutoring students, cooking dinner, doing the dishes, then going to teach piano so we can get this f—king house fixed up!

There is so much more I could say, but I was totally going into a depression. I felt trapped in a horrible marriage.

I finally told David and things got a bit better but after 2 weeks everything returned to normal. One night I was lighting candles for dinner and he blew them out. “Why do we have to act?”, he said.

I felt my heart drop into my stomach.

Was this going to be my life???

Today, my sister and I came home from enjoying a nice moccahino and David asked what price I got for my car insurance. It turned out to be slightly higher than what he found and he flipped.

My stomach clenched and then I said calmly, “We’re going to work out down stairs.”

He then said, “It’s 4:30 and you haven’t even cooked dinner. What am I going to eat?”

I got so mad and thought, “I don’t know, what ARE you going to eat???” But I said, “I’ll make you something after I exercise because Jana has to get home soon.

He slammed the door and walked out.

After Jana went home David and I talked and argued and then decided that he definitely had to see a counselor for his stress and anger issues.

I love his soul but he has so much baggage to work out.

We need to re-start our relationship – to remember who we were when we fell in love with each other. Should we live apart and date again to try and start over?

I’ll see how things go with the counselor but I am serious about having to end things.

Having it be so close to being a reality is so heart wrenching, unbelievable, sad… and scary!

Oh my God, I feel something inside but I don’t want to admit it….

The Vice Principal at my school is in my head and I can’t stop thinking about him!

Some names have been changed to protect their privacy

Click HERE for Part 2 of “The Making of A Spiritual Woman”.

France