Chere Diary,

Am I superficial because Guy’s clothing style turns me off and he doesn’t have the thick, dark hair I desire?

I’m feeling really confused and just want to be alone for a while.

Last night Sandra, Guy and I went to the movie, “Le Pire et la Meillure” with Jack Nicholson.  It was a great movie.

After the movie Guy asked if I wanted to come up to his place, but I was so into being alone that I said no.

I know Guy felt my state of confusion because the next day he asked me what I was feeling yesterday.

I explained (kind of) and he understood that I needed time alone.

The next morning I woke up and felt fantastic.  God, I LOVE being alone, doing what I want, when I want.  I watched program after program on TV, listened to music, sang, ate…

Then later I went for a walk with Sandra and Guy.  After the walk Sandra and I went back to her place and cooked while listening to Andrea Bochelli.

We ate, talked and drank tea until 6am!!

We covered every topic under the sun.  It felt amazing to connect and bond with her again.

The next day Guy came to pick me up because I have la grippe (the flu); he said he’d take care of me.

He treated me like I’ve always dreamed.  He prepared a beautiful meal for me and prepared sage tea for me since I also have my period; sage tea is supposedly good for women who have their period. What a guy!

He then cuddled me, prepared a pillow and blanket for me and told me to take a nap. Then he meditated beside me and all I felt was complete compassion and understanding.

I woke up and he gave me a back, neck and face massage with tiger balm oil. I wanted to cry and out of my mouth almost came,

“Why do you care for me so much???”

He stares at me with such love in his heart.  I know exactly how he feels and that I am the ONLY one for him. Something I never felt from Matt.

I respect myself for realizing what I needed from Matt and that he wasn’t giving me.

It’s so important to know who you are and what you really require.

Got to go to sleep as I feel so sick and exhausted.

_________________________________________

Chere Diary,

What a week I’ve had.  I have never been so sick.  I literally lay on my back for a week without moving. Except to go to the doctor.  I have pneumonia.  I’m getting better now with the medication, but this week Sandra, Guy and I had planned on going to the Buddhist Centre in Bretagne and I really didn’t want to miss it.

I went but spent most of the time sleeping in the car or in different rooms in the temple.

One night I felt a bit better so Guy asked if I’d be well enough to come to the special ceremony they were having. He said he had a surprise for me.

I DO love a surprise so I mustered up some energy to go.  He was very proud at being “dressed up” but it SO wasn’t attractive.  I like a man who has real style. God Erin, this is terrible of you! You shouldn’t care about this!

All of a sudden, Guy walked on stage and said,

“Cette chanson est dédiée à une personne très spéciale. Elle s’appelle “la Paix” en l’honneur de son nom et de son essence.”

(This song is dedicated to a very special person.  It’s titled, “PEACE” in honour of her name and her essence.)

Guy had always loved the fact that my name, Erin, meant Peace.  He said it was my essence and that I exuded it.

How in the world could this man love me so much and all I’m thinking right now is, “His pants are too short and that orange vest has got to go!”

Later that night I lay in bed and thought to myself, “Guy is getting so unbelievably serious and with my state of mind lately, I have to end things.”

I feel like I’m staying with him because he loves me so much and I don’t want to hurt him.  But, even though he has helped me heal and grow and open up to what I really want from a relationship, I know deep in my heart that he isn’t THE ONE.

I just got out of a 9 year intense relationship and the last thing I want to do is get into something else that I’m not fully sure about and miss all the other gifts that my time in France can give me.

Plus, I miss just being with Sandra.  I miss being carefree and not having someone intensely stare at me all the time.

I promised myself that “This Year is For Me” In fact, I wrote it at the beginning of this journal and I have to honor myself.  No more doing things to make or keep other people happy.

When he drops me off at home I’m going to tell him.

Join me tomorrow HERE when I share what happens when we as women honour our desires and true knowingness inside…the Universe responds VERY quickly with “gorgeous” gifts – pun intended:)