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CategoriesMANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of an Spiritual Woman: Video #7 (Endings)

It was 9pm at night when the phone rang. It was David.

He wanted to talk.

In my mind there was nothing left to discuss and I was heartbroken because I had to put Lucky down the day before.

Lucky had been the dog I dreamed of, the dog my dad made me write a report about to show I would know how to take care of him. This little angel had been by my side for 17 years.

My puppy was so scared the day we entered the Vet’s office. He has a massive tumor and was in so much pain. He started shaking uncontrollably, crawling over my shoulder to try and get away as he must have felt something was going to happen.

I tried to hold it together when he peed on me out of fright. My sweet angel.

This day was one I told you would never happen.

I used to lie in bed with him when I was a young girl and say, “I will never put you down. I don’t know how people can do that. I love you, Lucky.”

And here I was, doing just that. I HAD to. Our whole family entered the room and I sat Lucky on the cold, metal table. I had my arm around him and then the vet came in to inject him.

The first try didn’t work and Lucky became agitated. All I remember is the sound of his scratching nails on the metal table, trying to climb up on me again. I broke down sobbing and then…

My sweet angel dropped slowing into my arms and he was gone.

Anyone who has ever had to do this knows the deep PAIN of this.

My puppy loved me unconditionally. He was the one who waited atop the sofa to see me come home from school each day. He is the one who sat silently by be when I cried over a heart break.

He was the one who would lick me uncontrollably when he was happy.

I couldn’t believe he was gone.

The loss I felt was profound.

And now, David wanted to talk…

I shared with him the devastating news that I had to put Lucky down and at first he was genuinely sorry. He knew how precious Lucky was to me.

Quickly though, he wanted to change the topic to us.

He was saying all the right things, being sensitive, admitting his wrong doings, his realizations. He wanted me to give us one more chance. He promised it would be different.

I was feeling very emotionally weak.

How could I end a marriage when someone was telling me all these things? I never thought I’d get divorced! I had to do the right thing and try one more time.

David saw I was opening to the idea so he tried to rush my answer. I asked him to give me a bit of time as I was still grieving from Lucky’s death.

He pushed, and when I said firmly, “David, I’ve just lost Lucky. I need some time”, David’s reply was, “Erin, he was just a f_cking dog!”

It was then that I knew… It. Was. Over.

I said, “You’ve just made my decision. Good- bye.” And I hung up.

I got ready for bed yet had a horrible feeling in my stomach. I felt that David might try and come over to continue this conversation. It was his pattern.

I got into bed, still feeling sick to my stomach when I heard the a car screech up to the house. The car door slammed and before I knew it he was ringing the doorbell nonstop.

It was 1:30am.

I started to get concerned that my parents would be woken up so I got out of bed.

Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding….he didn’t stop ringing the doorbell.

Now my parents were up.

The ringing switched to pounding.

“LET ME IN!!!!!” David yelled.

I became so scared, especially after my previous experience, that I called 911 and asked the police if they could just come by and make him go away.

The police officer kept me on the phone by asking lots of questions and I started to get so anxious.

“Please, just send someone! He’s going to break the door down!”

All of a sudden I heard a huge THUD . Down came a set of double doors and in came David charging at me.

I screamed and yelled, “Please, send someone! He’s broken down the door!”

My father came between me and David and then a fight broke out.

David pushed my father down.

My father, who has a soft heart like me, said calmly, “Hey buddy, please just calm down.”

I”’m not your f-cking buddy! Let me talk to Erin!” he replied.

Then my mom got involved and David started yelling obsenities at her.

My dad managed to get David out to the front lawn but after David pushed him down once more and started wrestling with him, my sister got involved.

She came outside with a tennis racket and began hitting David with it to get him off my dad.

Meanwhile I’m on the phone begging them to please send the police. The officer kept assuring me they were on their way, but it was taking forever!!!

Finally, they arrived and pulled David off my dad.

One officer handcuffed David and put him in the car and another came to check on me.

He said they’d be back to take my statement.

I waited until 4:30 am, meanwhile planning for a subsitute teacher (the “JOYS” of being of teacher)

At 4:30 the police arrived and as soon as they came in they said, “This isn’t the first time he’s been abusive, is it?”

I said no and they told me that he was a typical abuser. As soon as they put him in the police car he began banging his head on the window saying , “Why are you doing this to me???”

Their reply? “Buddy, you did this to yourself.”

After giving my statement to the police I fell fast asleep…totally and utterly exhausted, both physically and emotionally.

Did this all just happen?

Is this MY life?

I was in disbelief.

The next day I went in to see Matt and the Principal to share what had happend just in case David decided to break the restraining order put against him and come to get me at the school.

I was trying to be so strong, but I half talked, half cried.

Matt was so concerned, and I admit, it felt nice to have a man know that this was unacceptable behaviour.

Later that day Matt came to tell me how strong I was and that all he wanted to do in that office was  hold me.

I felt very, very cared for…for a couple of days.

So why did I find an invitation in my mailbox inviting me to “Matt & Tanya’s” house for a Scavenger Hunt????

Join me HERE for Part 8 of “The Making of an Spiritual Woman” where I try and learn to set boundaries and teach people how to treat me – a lesson I will need to practise over and over again! The start of my SELF LOVE journey begins.

Can you relate to any part of this story? I’d love to hear from you in comments below.  The more we speak up and share, the more we can help other women currently going through this situation.

See you tomorrow!

Love,

Erin Kurt

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CategoriesMANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of an Spiritual Woman: Video #6 (FREEDOM!)

Dear Diary,

I was giddy!!!

My new life was beginning!

My whole body felt exhilarated and FREE!!!!

Finally I had told David what I had wanted to tell him for years.  And finally, Matt and I were going to share what we had wanted to share for months.

The afternoon couldn’t go quick enough.

We decided to meet at a certain bar close to the school.

We did small chat and then Matt spilled his guts.

This was the BEST day!!!

What I had wondered for months was finally answered!

Unfortunately, it was Sprink Break and we’d be away from each other for 10 days.  Plus, he was still with his girlfriend and was in the process of breaking it off with her.

How did I spend my Break?

With Tony!

After hearing of my break up he invited me to piano recitals, museums, and again to dinner.

We spent evening after evening with Ian and our other friend John jamming in their basement.  Ian on the drums, Tony on the guitar, John on then base and me as lead vocals.

Was this actually happening?

Was this my LIFE?

I had NEVER felt this way before.  I could be myself.  I could laugh as loud and silly as I wanted (David always told me to quiet down.  People would think I’m weird)

One night, Tony and I were alone.  We had a bit to drink…okay, a lot, and just laughed and sang the entire night.  At one point he pulled me up to dance with him, stared into my eyes and then kissed me.

Ahhhhhhh!  To feel passion again.  To feel desired again.  To feel feminine and womanly again!

By a man who enjoyed life as I did.  This confirmed to me that I had done the right thing by leaving David.  THIS was who Erin was.  THIS was the life I wanted to live.  THIS was the kind of man I wanted to spend time with.

I was very honest that night and openly shared that there was possibly something between another man and myself.

I just felt I had to be open.  I’ve never lied. I just can’t.

Spring Break came and went and school was back in session…as was Matt’s flirting.

He came back and handed me a poem he had written entitled, “BEAUTIFUL”.  I had never had anyone write something so deep and beautiful about me.

My whole body felt FULL. Full of everything good that I had yearned for.  I remember feeling like life was a lover for me.

I used to think that I was just going to have to settle.  That I would have to watch romantic movies to experience real romance.

But, here I was.  Erin.  Receiving profound, loving attention from two wonderful men.

Life was feeling incredible… until the night the police had to come to my parent’s home and arrest David.

Join me HERE  for Part 7 of “The Making of an Spiritual Woman” where I share something I cannot even believe I experienced in my life.  BUT, it’s also the moment when my FREEDOM & AWAKENING truly began.  

See you tomorrow!

Love,

Erin Kurt

ekurt
CategoriesMANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of a Spiritual Woman: Video #5 (Divorce)


Dear Diary,

Matt was so much on my mind that I couldn’t concentrate on saving my marriage anymore.   Not to mention that David was back to being his old self again.

Truthfully,  I KNEW I didn’t want to save my marriage, but I didn’t want to hurt David.

And, I felt it was the right thing to do to try and do whatever I could to save it. That’s what people do, right?

Until…

An old friend came to town. 

I hadn’t seen her in ages and it felt SO GOOD to be the happy go lucky Erin again.

We laughed and laughed and decided to call up all our old friends from Grade 8.

Deb suggested we call Tony and Ian.  She had dated Ian in grade 8 and I had dated Tony, but we ended up just being friends in the end.

The guys were SO happy and surprised to hear from us.  Ah, it was amazing!

We reminisced for hours then they said, “Hey, why don’t you guys come over tomorrow for dinner?  We’ll cook!”

What???? Guys who actually COOK?  Fun!

It felt so good to be around wonderful men.  They sent us on an Easter egg hunt, served us an incredible meal and then brought out their guitars.  We sat in the living room and sang for hours.  

I was in heaven.  I felt ALIVE.  I felt happiness again.  

And singing?  Music?  It is something that feeds my soul. 

For a few hours I felt who Erin wanted to be, or should I say who I already was, but couldn’t be.

At midnight David called and demanded I come home.  He shouted how irresponsible I was etc. and I just stood there shaking my head.

Little did he know, I felt perfect.

I admit that I felt attracted to Tony and his talent that night and if I’m correct, he felt that way too.

We got home quite late and I had to drive Deb to the airport, so I decided to take a sick day.

I was so confused.  I felt like my life was falling apart, yet I felt what life COULD be like.

My whole body felt physically and emotionally drained.

At noon, Matt called.  I was in shock!

He said he missed me. Ahhhh!!!!

The whole day I prayed to God for answers.  All that I kept hearing was,

“You know what you have to do. You don’t want to, but you know.”

At 5pm David came home.  I was sitting on the sofa and he came and knelt down beside me and asked, “Do you want a divorce?”

“Yes.” 

For the first time I felt my whole body say yes and mean it. It was over.

He frieked out a bit calling my dad to come pick me up.

My dad came and at the last minute, while seeing pain on David’s face, I almost said, “Oh, forget it!” but I knew what needed to be done.  

Not just because of Matt, but because my marriage had been unfulfilling for years, and what I needed and desired, David could NEVER naturally give me.

The next day I went to school and Matt asked me if I was okay because I looked down.

I told him I moved out last night for good .

Later that afternoon, he walked past my classroom and beckoned me to the door.  He handed me a note.

It said, “Drink after work?”

Join me HERE for Part 6 of The Making of a Spiritual Woman” where the REAL Erin begins to live life FULLY! Until…

With Love,

Erin Kurt

ekurt
CategoriesMANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of an Elegant Woman Video #4 (The Romance Begins!)

I was woken by the telephone.  It was David.

“Erin, I’m SO sorry,” he cried.

“I don’t know what came over me. I WAS too drunk to drive.  I should have given you the keys.  I’m so sorry for scaring you.”

 

“Scaring me?” I said.  You not only scared me.  You put me in a headlock and choked me!  Then you kicked me onto the street and later pushed me down the stairs!”

“I pushed you? No I didn’t.”

“I’m not going to argue any more with you.  It’s over, David.  I’m done.”

“Please, Erin.  Don’t do this.  I’ll get help.  I’ll tell the counsellor all about this.  I know I need help.”

I hated hearing him cry.  I hated hurting people.

A million thoughts were running through my head, “People don’t get divorced in my family.  I’m scared.  Am I REALLY going to end things??”

“Ok. But let me tell you this,” I said.  “You put one finger on me and it is over.  Do you understand?  No more chances.”

“I promise,” he said.  “Come home.  Let’s talk.”

I went back, but I felt dead inside.  I felt nothing for him.  I was numb.

Meanwhile, me and the Vice Principal, Matt, had been getting along really well…

Dear Diary,

I haven’t written much about Matt in here for fear David would read it, but needless to say, I have feelings for him.

All year, I have been thinking, “Wow, he is SO nice!”

As time went on, we were good friends and found it extremely easy to talk to each other.  We had many joint activities to organize so we spent a lot of time together.

My attraction to his looks and personality increased daily. 

He spoke of things he likes to do and what he does in relationships and this made me think, “Wow, I’d love it if David were like this.”

I also began noticing that we had tonnes in common. 

Eventually he started to lightly flirt with me.

I accepted this for a few months then started realizing just how much I was thinking about him; how much I loved being around him and how I missed him over the weekends.

I started to get so confused about my feelings, what I wanted to do with my life and what I wanted to do about my marriage. After feeling completely depressed, I told David that I needed some time.

I packed up and went to live at mom and dad’s house. I started to see a counselor and it felt so freeing to let out all my feelings.

Valentine’s Day came and David tried really hard to court me.  We actually had a really nice night – one of the best Valentine Days we’ve ever had, so on Monday, I moved back into our home.

Everything was blissful for a few weeks and then David turned right back to himself. 

Matt on the other hand, kept flirting.

I was SO confused!

I was becoming totally dissatisfied with my marriage.  I knew that I wanted passion and dinners and cooking together and candlelight and romance… (Matt loved ALL of these things)

David kept asking me, “Why do you want to act?” when I would try and light candles at dinner time.

One day Matt came in to my room and asked me if I could drive him to get his Jeep from the dealership.  All I remember is that it felt sooooo good being in the same space with him!  

The way he stared at me while I drove made me melt!

I went home and phoned Jana and said, “This is becoming IMPOSSIBLE! I think I’m falling in love with him.”

The following week, while sitting in Matt’s office, he said, “I could say so much, but I won’t.”

I didn’t push, but I was SO curious! 

Did he feel the same way towards me as I did for him?

I felt excitement for life again.  I felt JOY.  I felt feminine!

He said this same thing a few more times over the next few weeks.  Finally I said, “Look, say something!”

He looked straight into my eyes and said, “I wonder every day what it would be like to be with you.  I get excited to see what you’re going to wear everyday.  I love walking by your classroom and seeing you teach and show love for your students.”

I just about died!!!! My body was alive!  I was feeling romance and passion!!! I felt like a WOMAN.

The difficulty I’m having is that I’m going to counselling and being asked this question, “Erin, do you WANT to save your marriage?”

I said, “Yes.”

Did I?

Join me HERE for Part 5 of “The Making of an Elegant Woman”.  THIS post is the second most beautiful and pivitol moment of my life. It’s when I rediscovered who ERIN really was – I have such amazing memories of this day!

ekurt
The Making of an Elegant Woman
CategoriesMANIFESTING INNER PEACE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of a Spiritual Woman: Video #3 (Abuse)

Dear Diary, I don’t even know how to start to describe what happened after our games night with friends. We were having a fun time, enjoying nice snacks and drinks but when we were going home, I told David that I would drive because I had only had 1 1/2 drinks the whole night. He was drunk. He refused to give me the keys. We argued, as usual, but he refused to give the keys to me. I was so tired that I stupidly got in the car just to avoid another huge argument with him, but as he drove, I got scared; not just for me but for other people on the road. I told him to pull over. He said no. So I threatened to jump out of the car. He pulled over and started screaming at me. I was so disgusted at how he wouldn’t just hand me the keys to keep us and everyone else safe! How hard was that??? He refused, saying I was exaggerating, so I said, “Well, if you want to kill yourself be my guest, but I won’t be staying in this car with you.” As I went to open the door. He grabbed my hair and put me into a head lock. I was so scared because I’d never seen him like this before. It was like a demon had come into him.

Why was he so determind to drive?

I was choking, so I began fighting him. I remember seeing on Oprah to scratch at a guy’s eyes, so I did whatever I could to get him to let go of me. I must have hurt him because the next thing I know he opened my door, called me a bitch and kicked me out of the car onto the street. I was totally and utterly in shock. All I remember doing was getting up and running. Thank God we were close to my mom and dad’s house, so I was just going to run to there. Soon, I started hearing a car’s tires squealing and an engine revving louding. It was our car coming straight down the street that I was running! I was so scared so I found a bush to duck down behind. As I crouched behind this bush I thought to myself, “Erin, you are Nicole Brown Simpson.” (How ironic that on the night of my stagette we all watched the TV in disbelief at OJ Simpson runninng away from the poice in his white Bronco).

Deep inside my soul I knew at this moment that it was over between David and I.

The out of control car continued to squeal it’s way through the residential streets until finally the night went silent. Frightened, I cautiously walked to my parent’s house. My sister let me in and I went downstairs to go to sleep. I didn’t say a word to Jana about the incident. I never did share our problems, out of humiliation.

Soon, I heard David’s voice.

Oh, shit! He starts yelling to my sister, “Where’s Erin? She gone crazy! She was scratching at my eyes. She’s gone crazy!” My sister dind’t know what in the world was going on, so she showed David where I was and said, “Erin, what’s going on???” I stomped up the stairs towards David and said, “Get the H__LL out here!!! It’s YOU who was drunk and was choking me! Don’t you EVER lay a hand on me again! Get out!” David got so angry he pushed me down the stairs. I began sobbing and yelled, “GET OUT!!!!!” Thank God he left. I went into my bed, curled up in the fetal position and said to myself, “It’s over. That’s it.” The next morning I was woken by the telephone. It’s was David…

Click HERE for a very different kind of post…yes, it’s not ALL drama…tomorrow I begin to experience ROMANCE! 

With Love, Erin Kurt

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