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CategoriesELEGANT TRAVEL, MANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of a Spiritual Woman: Video #11 (MY DREAM COME TRUE!)

Dear Diary,

Today was court day for David and I had to attend in case they wanted me to testify.

“How am I going to sit there with him looking at me?” I thought. I didn’t have to testify in the end though. Thank God.

The prosecutor offered him a deal, which he took, so after a long while of back and forth the case was closed. He would have to report to probation once a month, take an anger management course and refrain from contacting me or coming to our home for one year.

David got up from his seat and walked past me. Our eyes met. Man he looked handsome, just like when we first met.

I felt deep and utter caring for him since we’ve been through so much together. This all seemed so surreal.

I have questioned my decision on many different occasions. And, for many reasons, I’ve doubted myself.

  1. The house is finally finished and it’s beautiful. I really resent not being able to live in it after working so hard for it.
  2. There were many great things about our marriage and I miss those times. He always made me feel like I was the ONLY one for him. I want to feel this again. Will I?

I never wanted anything really horrible to happen to him and by how his hands were shaking in court, I know this has scared him.

Time will heal us both. I just need to continue on my journey of discovering who I am and what I want.

I need to get a very strong sense of who I am so that when I get in a relationship again I am sure of my beliefs, desires and needs.

I felt my sense of self slip away when I was with Matt and I didn’t like that feeling. Heck, even HE didn’t like it!

Hmmmm…what do I want?

If I’m honest, I SO want to go to France and live there. I’ve been feeling the calling for 2 years! Well actually, it’s been my dream since elementary school.

How can I make this a reality though?

I asked God this question and was told to go to the University’s International section where everyone I had ever admired had gone to figure out how to do their studies in a different country.

“Maybe they can guide me,” I thought.

Because it was summer holidays I spent days reading through books on “How to Work in France”.

I found numbers of schools and tried calling them.

I was SO nervous to speak French with a real Parisian!!!

“La Parisienne” said they weren’t accepting non-European teachers at this time.

After a couple of weeks of researching and becoming excited as well as disheartened, I realized that I basically had two options:

  1. To be a Grape Picker
  2. To be an Au Pair.

I was a teacher, and a damn good one! How could I be an au pair!?

Well, it’s wasn’t my dream, but at least I’d have experience with children…?

I went back and forth on this. I chatted with countless people saying, “Yeah, I’m thinking of going to live in France, but…

  • I’d have to leave and come back during a recession where all they do is lay off teachers. I need to be smart and stay here to keep my name in the loop.
  • I’d have to be an au pair! I’m not a spring chicken! I’m a 25 year old divorcee!
  • I NEED to work! I didn’t want a long drawn out divorce so I settled for nothing but $10,000. How am I supposed to live on that?

I’ll never forget the day that something clicked within me. I remember where I was. I was sitting outside on a beautiful summer’s day, chatting with a friend of a friend and he said,

“Go for it! Life will be here waiting for you. It’s your dream!”

It was almost as if I needed that permission. I went home to Edmonton after a great weekend and made my decision.

I was going to France. And I was going to be an au pair. This was MY time.

And as soon as I announced my decision my whole body knew that THIS was exactly what it was supposed to do.

Join me HERE when the VERY FIRST MIRACLE OCCURS in this exquisite journey!

Have you ever had a dream (or maybe you still do?) that you so desperately desire(d), but logically it just didn’t or doesn’t feel doable?  Share that in the comments below.  Perhaps I can help you see your way through it a bit.

Much love,

Erin Kurt

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huge embarrassment
CategoriesMANIFESTING INNER PEACE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of a Spiritual Woman Video #10 (I’m SO Embarrassed!)

Dear Diary,

I went to Calgary and talked to a lot of people and they all agreed that Matt was acting weird. One girl was even a therapist and she said she thinks he’s had the chase and now he can’t commit.

I was determind to talk to him when he called. I needed to express my feelings about everything and then decide whether I’m even still interested in keeping this thing going.

Tuesday he calls and I give him the cold shoulder big time. I am just soooooo mad at him! He seems like such a fake to me now. Like he is a COMPLETELY different person than he showed me at school.

I have NO idea what’s going on with him but tonight he phoned and we’re going out tomorrow.

I have to say I am seriously thinking of ending this because I literally do not recognize this person and it scares me how different he is.

Can someone actually act as good as he did and then be how he is is now???

I HATE THIS F-CKING SHIT!

This makes me want to just go to France and screw everyone and start my own life over without any screwed up MEN!

AHHHHHHHHH! I just want to SCREAM!!!!!

We’ll see how tomorrow goes.

Friday morning Matt called and says he got called into the gardening centre (he was working at a Garden Centre over the summer) so we can’t go out.

I was SO disappointed and angry because he didn’t even sound sorry or sad that he wouldn’t be seeing me. So I said, “I thought this would happen.”

He said, What do you mean?”

“Oh, there just seems to be a trend happening here.”

He was unhappy but managed to be the bigger of us two and said, “Have a good day.”

All I said was, “Yeah, thanks.”

Days went by and he didn’t call. I’m thinking, “Wow, he is giving me a huge hint that he wants things to be over.”

I’m depressed, stressed and angry.

I had a HUGE cry after reading the poems he wrote me and thought, “Where did all this go???”

I decided to call him and leave a message asking him to please call me.

He did and we set up a time to meet tomorrow.

Damn! He looked amazing. I melted. I missed him so much. I missed the terrific times we had at school and the feelings we shared.

All I wanted to do was hug him and say, “God, can’t we just make this work?”

I was SO nervous. My whole body was shaking. He asked right away what I wanted to talk about.

We chit chatted and then I said I felt disappointed. As soon as I said this he chimed in, “Well, I’m VERY disappointed too.”

I was shocked!

He went on to say how he hates the way I’ve treated him on the phone and how he cannot continue to feel pressured by me, and that he still needs time.

My gut hurt when he said this. I felt so stupid and embarassed at my behaviour on the phone – that was so immature and how I would have acted when I was a teenager, not a woman!

The feeling pressured part caught me off guard though. I asked him if he still needed time because he wasn’t over his girlfriend and he said, yes, and that he’s working through the hurtful things she said to him.

“Oh God,” I thought. “This is going to take forever!”

We went back and forth and I took a lot of criticism. He basically told me that he finds my behaviours totally unattractive and that he DID feel things for me but now he just feels as a friend.

That made my heart feel broken. I wanted to burst out crying.

I told him that I began to feel like I was just satisfying a need because that was all we did when we were together. This really pissed him off and said that now I’m attacking his character.

I felt bad but in my heart that’s how I really felt!

He is really hurt and angry and I’m hurt, scared and upset that I’ve lost someone I feel like I love already.

He was going to leave in anger so I reached out to touch his arm and said, “I don’t want to end things this way.”

He calmed down and said some complimentary things about me and my strength and my dedication to my job, and that basically I’m a complete package.

I didn’t understand how he could say that after saying everything else.

I said, “I guess not complete enough”. If I could have broke down sobbing on that table I would have. My behaviour lost this possible love!

Oh my God, Erin, what have you done???

We walked to his car. He gave back my candles and Shakira CD that I had brought to his house. We chit chatted a bit. I apologized for my behaviour and said I don’t think he’s gotten who I really am and that this is not what I’m all about.

He said “I know. I wanna hug you”

He took me in his manly arms and gave me a beautiful, warm hug and asked when I was leaving for my trip to New York and when I’d be back.

“Call me when you get back,” he said.

Ahhhhh, a good ending. Thank God.

I walked to my car in shock and heart break.

This meeting had turned out completely different than I expected.

Here I was, embarrassed and broken, with my candles and CD in hand walking back to my car, with my future totally unclear.

When I returned home all I could do for the rest of the day was think.

Was I right in feeling what I felt?

Was it okay that I expressed what I felt I needed to?

Was he right about me?

I realized a lot today:

  1. I was totally out of line for treating him poorly on the phone the way I did. I always dreamed of having an ADULT relationship and then I go and act like an immature adolescent. I’m embarrassed.
  2. I DO need time to cut these guys out of my life and really become strong and sure of who I am and what I think is right.
  3. I do think I was justified in stating that I wouldn’t have felt as strongly as I did if he would have made me feel more special OUTSIDE of  the bedroom, even for just 1 day! I stand behind this and I think I made this point clear when I reminded him of things he said. He admitted, “Maybe I should have sent you flowers. I’m sorry I didn’t make you feel special”

I hope he thinks about things as much as I have and I hope he takes to heart some of the points I made. It will be 4 weeks until I’m back from New York, so we’ve both got time.

I am going to miss him incredibly but actually I think this time apart will make us both cool down, have time to think about how we really feel about one another and hopefully get rid of some of our personal baggage.

And of course, I hope in my heart that he misses me and that when I get back he will have a clear picture of what he wants.

But before I go, I have a court case to attend….Davids.

Join me HERE for the post where I make the BIG decision to follow my dream and LIVE IN FRANCE!!!!  See how it all plays out!

Did you take away any A Ha’s from this video?  If so, I’d absolutely LOVE to hear them in the comment section below!

With so much Love,

Erin Kurt

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emotional rollercoaster
CategoriesMANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of a Spiritual Woman: Video #9 (Emotional Rollercoaster!)

Dear Diary,

What an emotional roller coaster this week!

I’ll just start right away with the latest. Matt moved out and he ignored me! I was truly angry and hurt. He said,  “Give me time”.  I said, “Yeah well, I’m moving on and when you’re ready, I’ll see.”

He was angry and hurt at this. I continued to be angry and he kept trying to chat with me and I gave short and quick answers.

The FUN news is that my friends from high school got married and I got TONNES of attention ate the wedding! It was amazing!

I thought to myself… OK, I’ll be nice to Matt now that I’ve got 100 other options.

On Sports Day at school I was on a high. I was loving myself and my life. I felt confident and totally in tune with myself…

And then Matt asked if I’d like to go for a drink after work.

I said, yes. Okay, I admit it, I was happy. Happy he was still interested. Happy because I really DO like him. Happy to have his attention again.

He said, “Really? Cool!”

The difference this time was that he invited some friends along too. Hmm…he forgot to mention that part.

We had a really nice time and then he asked if I’d like to come back to his place.

We watched a bit of TV and then he took my hand, turned to me and said,

“I’ve been waiting for this time for ever, and now I feel so nervous, like a 14 year old. I just want to kiss you.”

Ahhhhhh!!!!! I was melting. God, when he talked to me like this I felt like I was living in a movie. I was experiencing romance. Romance that I never thought I would ever, ever get to experience in my life!

I said, “Just do it” and so we kissed. It was soft, tender and then quickly grew passionate REAL fast. We chatted and kissed for a bit and then I had to go home as we both had work the next day.

I was on cloud nine. Wow, I honoured myself and then while I was happy, he came back as he saw what he was missing.

YEAH ME!

I went to school full of energy and bliss and….he completely ignored me.

I was pissed off, but I didn’t show it. I just acted distant too.

The following week he stopped by my classroom and handed me one of his famous little notes, “Walk & talk?” it said.

I went over to his place that evening and as soon as I stepped into his house he grabbed me and said, “I’ve been waiting so long to do this.” Then he kissed me REALLY passionately.

I was in shock!

I felt desirable. I felt womanly. I felt what I had wanted to feel for years….PASSION!

We drank wine, got tipsy, danced to Shakira’s Spanish album, and made love for the very first time.

(And yes, it was indescribable.)

The next day everything was great and continues to be amazing except… we don’t see each other a lot outside of school.

His friends ask him to do things a lot, which is great for him – I’m truly, very happy for him except that he’ll cancel with me or just keep going with them and this makes me question how he truly feels about me and what he’s actually looking for.

I figured that he would feel the same way as me because of all the things he had said and wrote me.

Why wasn’t he as desperate to spend every moment with me as I was with him??

Why was he so on and off?

If you feel strongly about someone you want to spend time with them, right?

I think when we see each other on Friday I’ll ask him where he wants things to go.I can’t take this emotional roller coaster any more.

Friday came and Matt called to tell me what “he and his friend are doing” and would I like to come?

WHATTTT???? Excuse me????

How long has it been since you’ve seen me and you make plans with a friend and invite me to come along after we had already spoken about getting toether on Friday???

I was PISSED!

However, I figured, “Ok, after tonight, I’ll have a big talk with him.”

Then I find out he’s putting his dog down. I DEFINITELY know what utter pain that is so I was NOT going to try and talk about “our relationship” issues.

I arrived at his house and it was pouring rain. I drove us to his friend’s house and as we ran from the car to the house I put up the hood of my jacket.

While we stood waiting for his friend to open the door he looked at me, laughed, and took my hood off.

The head chatter was quick and furious.

You’re not attractive enough. You’re not womanly enough for him. He doesn’t really like you. What are you even doing with him, Erin? Try really hard to impress his friends so he likes you.”

Later, I drove him back to his house. We started talking about how he’s been feeling about putting his dog down. I was listening, being very supportive then he said, “Thank you for coming out tonight – it was fun!”

I don’t know where this came from, but out of my mouth popped, “You know, I would really like for you and I to just go out and have fun together.

He replied,“Yeah, that’ll come.”

Arghhhh!

I was so pissed off that I scoffed, “Yeah”.

He said, “What was that?” I said, “Nothing.”

He said, “You can’t do something like that and then say, “Nothing”.

I said, “Well, I do need to talk to you but now is for sure not the right time.”

He asked if I wanted to talk to him before or after tonight and I said before.

He had a worried look on his face and all I could think of was, “What the hell are you worried about? What do you really FEEL?”

I left shortly after feeling depressed, deflated, confused, unattractive, low…

Thank God I was going to Calgary to be with friends that weekend. I need to get perspective on this whole thing. Would they tell me to calm down or to walk away?

What would YOU do at this point?  What do you think they tell me?  What do you think I did? Tell me in the comments below, okay?  Your comments make this whole series even more fun!

Click HERE for Part 10 of “The Making of a Spiritual Woman: A Pilgrimage that Began in Paris”, where I experience a HUGE embarrassment!

Love,

Erin Kurt

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setting boundaries
CategoriesMANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of a Spiritual Woman: Video #8 (Setting Boundaries)

Dear Diary,

Was he SERIOUS???

How in the world, after all we’ve shared with each other, after all the confession sessions after work, after the POEM he wrote me!

He had the gall to invite me to a scavenger hunt he and his girlfriend were hosting????

I was furious!

I ignored Matt the whole next day and he knew something was up, so he came to ask me if something was wrong.

I told him to just stop. Stop talking to me, stop flirting with me, stop everything until he’s figured out what he wants.

I said, “I can’t keep having these roller coaster of emotions. One day you’re into me and the next day you’re confused. Just figure your life out and I’ll go on with my life.”

The next day he didn’t talk to me, come around, or even acknowledge me at lunch time in the staff room.

I guess he was taking me seriously!

I felt like a part of me was missing. I went home that night totally depressed. Had I completely messed up? Should I have stayed with David and given him another chance? He was just so scared he was losing me, that’s why he broke the door down.

I began feeling like I’d completely messed up my life.

The next morning Matt had to give me something school related . He was ULTRA professional; it almost seemed as if he was angry at me!

At recess I went to his office and he told me that not speaking to me was so hard on him. My heart melted. He DID care!

I totally agreed and told him how I felt a piece of me was missing.. The rest of the week was back to normal. We flirted, had fun, and he was coming to my room again. YEAH!!!

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL! (How quickly emotions can change!)

On Friday, the school had a really fun day planned. It was all about fitness, so as a school, we all did an aeorbics class! Matt did it beside me and he kept complimenting me on my legs – THAT was new! No one had ever done that!

I did notice him hanging around the instructor afterwards though….

Another teacher noticed too and later she told me that at lunch she was bugging Matt about how interested he was in chatting with the instructor afterwards and how pretty she was and he said,

“Yeah I got her number. She had a great body!”

My stomach fell, my heart fell. What the HELL was going on??

I thought he was different. I knew he was flirty, but now everything is piecing together and I’m fed up!

I am totally going to move on with Tony AND spend time with MYSELF and my friends!

I really can’t be with someone who has this quality.

I feel so strong right now. YES! It’s time for Erin to stand up and be HERSELF now!

I am going to focus on myself!

I spent the next week singing with the guys, dancing to the Gyspy Kings,(among other things with Tony) and feeling absolutely in LOVE with my freedom and my life.

Then, at the end of the week I heard that Matt moved out and ended things with his girlfriend…

I’m curious!  What would YOU have done at this point? Drop him? Ignore him? Get excited that we could move on together now? Share your thoughts and comments below:))

Join me HERE for the next installment of this Series. You are never going to guess what Matt does! Mark your calendars, Ladies!

Love,

Erin Kurt

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CategoriesMANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of an Spiritual Woman: Video #7 (Endings)

It was 9pm at night when the phone rang. It was David.

He wanted to talk.

In my mind there was nothing left to discuss and I was heartbroken because I had to put Lucky down the day before.

Lucky had been the dog I dreamed of, the dog my dad made me write a report about to show I would know how to take care of him. This little angel had been by my side for 17 years.

My puppy was so scared the day we entered the Vet’s office. He has a massive tumor and was in so much pain. He started shaking uncontrollably, crawling over my shoulder to try and get away as he must have felt something was going to happen.

I tried to hold it together when he peed on me out of fright. My sweet angel.

This day was one I told you would never happen.

I used to lie in bed with him when I was a young girl and say, “I will never put you down. I don’t know how people can do that. I love you, Lucky.”

And here I was, doing just that. I HAD to. Our whole family entered the room and I sat Lucky on the cold, metal table. I had my arm around him and then the vet came in to inject him.

The first try didn’t work and Lucky became agitated. All I remember is the sound of his scratching nails on the metal table, trying to climb up on me again. I broke down sobbing and then…

My sweet angel dropped slowing into my arms and he was gone.

Anyone who has ever had to do this knows the deep PAIN of this.

My puppy loved me unconditionally. He was the one who waited atop the sofa to see me come home from school each day. He is the one who sat silently by be when I cried over a heart break.

He was the one who would lick me uncontrollably when he was happy.

I couldn’t believe he was gone.

The loss I felt was profound.

And now, David wanted to talk…

I shared with him the devastating news that I had to put Lucky down and at first he was genuinely sorry. He knew how precious Lucky was to me.

Quickly though, he wanted to change the topic to us.

He was saying all the right things, being sensitive, admitting his wrong doings, his realizations. He wanted me to give us one more chance. He promised it would be different.

I was feeling very emotionally weak.

How could I end a marriage when someone was telling me all these things? I never thought I’d get divorced! I had to do the right thing and try one more time.

David saw I was opening to the idea so he tried to rush my answer. I asked him to give me a bit of time as I was still grieving from Lucky’s death.

He pushed, and when I said firmly, “David, I’ve just lost Lucky. I need some time”, David’s reply was, “Erin, he was just a f_cking dog!”

It was then that I knew… It. Was. Over.

I said, “You’ve just made my decision. Good- bye.” And I hung up.

I got ready for bed yet had a horrible feeling in my stomach. I felt that David might try and come over to continue this conversation. It was his pattern.

I got into bed, still feeling sick to my stomach when I heard the a car screech up to the house. The car door slammed and before I knew it he was ringing the doorbell nonstop.

It was 1:30am.

I started to get concerned that my parents would be woken up so I got out of bed.

Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding….he didn’t stop ringing the doorbell.

Now my parents were up.

The ringing switched to pounding.

“LET ME IN!!!!!” David yelled.

I became so scared, especially after my previous experience, that I called 911 and asked the police if they could just come by and make him go away.

The police officer kept me on the phone by asking lots of questions and I started to get so anxious.

“Please, just send someone! He’s going to break the door down!”

All of a sudden I heard a huge THUD . Down came a set of double doors and in came David charging at me.

I screamed and yelled, “Please, send someone! He’s broken down the door!”

My father came between me and David and then a fight broke out.

David pushed my father down.

My father, who has a soft heart like me, said calmly, “Hey buddy, please just calm down.”

I”’m not your f-cking buddy! Let me talk to Erin!” he replied.

Then my mom got involved and David started yelling obsenities at her.

My dad managed to get David out to the front lawn but after David pushed him down once more and started wrestling with him, my sister got involved.

She came outside with a tennis racket and began hitting David with it to get him off my dad.

Meanwhile I’m on the phone begging them to please send the police. The officer kept assuring me they were on their way, but it was taking forever!!!

Finally, they arrived and pulled David off my dad.

One officer handcuffed David and put him in the car and another came to check on me.

He said they’d be back to take my statement.

I waited until 4:30 am, meanwhile planning for a subsitute teacher (the “JOYS” of being of teacher)

At 4:30 the police arrived and as soon as they came in they said, “This isn’t the first time he’s been abusive, is it?”

I said no and they told me that he was a typical abuser. As soon as they put him in the police car he began banging his head on the window saying , “Why are you doing this to me???”

Their reply? “Buddy, you did this to yourself.”

After giving my statement to the police I fell fast asleep…totally and utterly exhausted, both physically and emotionally.

Did this all just happen?

Is this MY life?

I was in disbelief.

The next day I went in to see Matt and the Principal to share what had happend just in case David decided to break the restraining order put against him and come to get me at the school.

I was trying to be so strong, but I half talked, half cried.

Matt was so concerned, and I admit, it felt nice to have a man know that this was unacceptable behaviour.

Later that day Matt came to tell me how strong I was and that all he wanted to do in that office was  hold me.

I felt very, very cared for…for a couple of days.

So why did I find an invitation in my mailbox inviting me to “Matt & Tanya’s” house for a Scavenger Hunt????

Join me HERE for Part 8 of “The Making of an Spiritual Woman” where I try and learn to set boundaries and teach people how to treat me – a lesson I will need to practise over and over again! The start of my SELF LOVE journey begins.

Can you relate to any part of this story? I’d love to hear from you in comments below.  The more we speak up and share, the more we can help other women currently going through this situation.

See you tomorrow!

Love,

Erin Kurt

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