The Making of a Spiritual Woman Video #10 (I’m SO Embarrassed!)

Dear Diary,

I went to Calgary and talked to a lot of people and they all agreed that Matt was acting weird. One girl was even a therapist and she said she thinks he’s had the chase and now he can’t commit.

I was determind to talk to him when he called. I needed to express my feelings about everything and then decide whether I’m even still interested in keeping this thing going.

Tuesday he calls and I give him the cold shoulder big time. I am just soooooo mad at him! He seems like such a fake to me now. Like he is a COMPLETELY different person than he showed me at school.

I have NO idea what’s going on with him but tonight he phoned and we’re going out tomorrow.

I have to say I am seriously thinking of ending this because I literally do not recognize this person and it scares me how different he is.

Can someone actually act as good as he did and then be how he is is now???

I HATE THIS F-CKING SHIT!

This makes me want to just go to France and screw everyone and start my own life over without any screwed up MEN!

AHHHHHHHHH! I just want to SCREAM!!!!!

We’ll see how tomorrow goes.

Friday morning Matt called and says he got called into the gardening centre (he was working at a Garden Centre over the summer) so we can’t go out.

I was SO disappointed and angry because he didn’t even sound sorry or sad that he wouldn’t be seeing me. So I said, “I thought this would happen.”

He said, What do you mean?”

“Oh, there just seems to be a trend happening here.”

He was unhappy but managed to be the bigger of us two and said, “Have a good day.”

All I said was, “Yeah, thanks.”

Days went by and he didn’t call. I’m thinking, “Wow, he is giving me a huge hint that he wants things to be over.”

I’m depressed, stressed and angry.

I had a HUGE cry after reading the poems he wrote me and thought, “Where did all this go???”

I decided to call him and leave a message asking him to please call me.

He did and we set up a time to meet tomorrow.

Damn! He looked amazing. I melted. I missed him so much. I missed the terrific times we had at school and the feelings we shared.

All I wanted to do was hug him and say, “God, can’t we just make this work?”

I was SO nervous. My whole body was shaking. He asked right away what I wanted to talk about.

We chit chatted and then I said I felt disappointed. As soon as I said this he chimed in, “Well, I’m VERY disappointed too.”

I was shocked!

He went on to say how he hates the way I’ve treated him on the phone and how he cannot continue to feel pressured by me, and that he still needs time.

My gut hurt when he said this. I felt so stupid and embarassed at my behaviour on the phone – that was so immature and how I would have acted when I was a teenager, not a woman!

The feeling pressured part caught me off guard though. I asked him if he still needed time because he wasn’t over his girlfriend and he said, yes, and that he’s working through the hurtful things she said to him.

“Oh God,” I thought. “This is going to take forever!”

We went back and forth and I took a lot of criticism. He basically told me that he finds my behaviours totally unattractive and that he DID feel things for me but now he just feels as a friend.

That made my heart feel broken. I wanted to burst out crying.

I told him that I began to feel like I was just satisfying a need because that was all we did when we were together. This really pissed him off and said that now I’m attacking his character.

I felt bad but in my heart that’s how I really felt!

He is really hurt and angry and I’m hurt, scared and upset that I’ve lost someone I feel like I love already.

He was going to leave in anger so I reached out to touch his arm and said, “I don’t want to end things this way.”

He calmed down and said some complimentary things about me and my strength and my dedication to my job, and that basically I’m a complete package.

I didn’t understand how he could say that after saying everything else.

I said, “I guess not complete enough”. If I could have broke down sobbing on that table I would have. My behaviour lost this possible love!

Oh my God, Erin, what have you done???

We walked to his car. He gave back my candles and Shakira CD that I had brought to his house. We chit chatted a bit. I apologized for my behaviour and said I don’t think he’s gotten who I really am and that this is not what I’m all about.

He said “I know. I wanna hug you”

He took me in his manly arms and gave me a beautiful, warm hug and asked when I was leaving for my trip to New York and when I’d be back.

“Call me when you get back,” he said.

Ahhhhh, a good ending. Thank God.

I walked to my car in shock and heart break.

This meeting had turned out completely different than I expected.

Here I was, embarrassed and broken, with my candles and CD in hand walking back to my car, with my future totally unclear.

When I returned home all I could do for the rest of the day was think.

Was I right in feeling what I felt?

Was it okay that I expressed what I felt I needed to?

Was he right about me?

I realized a lot today:

1. I was totally out of line for treating him poorly on the phone the way I did. I always dreamed of having an ADULT relationship and then I go and act like an immature adolescent. I’m embarrassed.
2. I DO need time to cut these guys out of my life and really become strong and sure of who I am and what I think is right.
3. I do think I was justified in stating that I wouldn’t have felt as strongly as I did if he would have made me feel more special OUTSIDE of  the bedroom, even for just 1 day! I stand behind this and I think I made this point clear when I reminded him of things he said. He admitted, “Maybe I should have sent you flowers. I’m sorry I didn’t make you feel special”

I hope he thinks about things as much as I have and I hope he takes to heart some of the points I made. It will be 4 weeks until I’m back from New York, so we’ve both got time.

I am going to miss him incredibly but actually I think this time apart will make us both cool down, have time to think about how we really feel about one another and hopefully get rid of some of our personal baggage.

And of course, I hope in my heart that he misses me and that when I get back he will have a clear picture of what he wants.

But before I go, I have a court case to attend….Davids.

Join me HERE for the post where I make the BIG decision to follow my dream and LIVE IN FRANCE!!!!  See how it all plays out!

Did you take away any A Ha’s from this video?  If so, I’d absolutely LOVE to hear them in the comment section below!

With so much Love,