I told Guy. I told him everything; that I need to be alone, that I just got out of a 9 year relationship and that I just need time to be by myself for a while.
He was so upset.
We just sat there, holding hands, in silence. In between the silence he asked me, three times, “Do you want me to wait until after March?
I said “No” three times.
I felt in my heart that this was exactly what I needed to do. Much like the night I told David I wanted a divorce.
I am not ready to be with someone right now and I KNOW that when I go back to Canada I want to experience living by myself.
He stayed for an hour and when he got up to leave he grabbed me for a hug, burst out crying and said, “Je t’aime tres fort, Erin” (I love you so much, Erin.)
It actually shocked me how much emotion he had. I felt like I should be crying too, however I felt the opposite – my soul felt open and free again.
When you have a knowingness inside, you don’t doubt yourself. You KNOW you’re doing the right thing.
Chere Diary,
A few days passed and my sickness has increased.
All in all I just feel like crap; coughing and aching all over.
On a positive note, Guy called and told me that he is doing better and not to worry about him; just to take my time and think about myself.
I realized that this month my divorce is final…perhaps that’s why I’ve been so emotional and perhaps why my body is cleansing itself with this sickness.
I’ve had a few really deep cry sessions in my bedroom.
My divorce is really hitting me and I’m feeling so incredibly emotional.
Chere Diary,
Guess what? I’m going to Italy with the other au pair I’ve been writing back and forth with!!!
This could not come at a better time, honestly.
I need to get away. Be with ERIN again. Explore and experience life without stress. I can’t WAIT!
My pneumonia is almost gone, so I’m feeling better too. By the time we go next month I should be perfect. Yippeee! I feel ALIVE again.
And…a plus side of my sickness is that I’ve lost weight! I’m looking and feeling more like Erin again!
I tried on my jeans and they fit very comfortably!!! Whoo Hooo! Life is turning around!
Oh, guess what? Sandra has a boyfriend!!! He’s into spirituality, yoga and energy work! I’m SO happy for her!
She really wants me to meet him and her friends from the other language school. That would be fun! I’m up for meeting new people!
Chere Diary,
Oh my God, it’s 3:10am but I just HAD to write!!!!
Tonight, Sandra and I went to the mall to write some emails and do some shopping.
We got hungry so we tried to think of where to go. Earlier in the day I had a thought rush into my head, “You need to go to McDonalds”.
“What???” I thought.
When I asked Sandra what she felt like eating she said, “How about McDonalds?”
Whoah!
We went, and after I got over the fact that I had just eaten FAT, this guy comes up to us and says, “Hi, I overheard you speaking English and I wondered if I could join you.”
He was doing a work experience from Ireland and was dying to speak English.
We all got along instantly and exchanged phone numbers. He asked what we were up to tonight and and we invited him along to a night club where we were going to meet Sandra’s boyfriend and friends.
I really didn’t want to have Guy come because I wanted to feel free, but we promised him.
As soon as we entered the club a guy came up to Sandra to hi and I thought,
“WHOAH! Is that her boyfriend????? He’s fricking GORGEOUS!”
Apparently, that was her friend, Emil. Dark, thick-haired, tanned skin, Emil.
Everyone spoke English so we chatted and laughed and I felt like I could really, truly express myself. It was a BLAST! Except that Guy was acting like we were still dating.
All night I tried to move away from him so I could talk with other people but he kept following me, almost as if he was saying I was HIS.
This angered me. “Just let me BE! I am NOBODY”S property!” I wanted to say.
The Irish guy asked me to dance and while dancing Guy came up and started dancing with us – Argh!
I just wanted to be free and alone, but twice, while I was chatting with everyone, Guy leaned in and kissed me on the cheek! I saw that Emil witnessed this and I wanted to explain profusely that we weren’t a couple!!!!
Anyway, I danced and danced and my soul came alive. I could sense that the Irish guy, Gary, was interested, but was Emil? I thought so at times, but he was also chatting with the pretty, SLIM Swedish girl too.
God, he dressed cool and was so funny and handsome.
And, he knew about the Edmonton Oilers!!!! Being from Bulgaria and living in Prague he was totally into ice hockey. Wow!!! A piece of home!!!
Gary, Emil and I had an absolute blast laughing, talking and dancing. Sandra said how wonderful it was that I was mingling so well with everyone because then she didn’t feel pressure when she went off with her guy.
Gary couldn’t believe it when he found out I had never met these people before – it was the first time. He said, “Wow, you sure fit in with everyone!”
It was because I was ERIN. In her element. Happy. Free. Dancing.
Guy felt tired so he finally left. I was relieved. Emil asked me to dance to a slow song and it felt amazing.
Now HE was my type. In fact he was perfect.
After our dance, Emil invited me to a big art fair in town. He was into Art???? Hello!
Gary said he’d drop all of us off and when we dropped Emil off Emil came to my side, opened the door and said, “What time do you want to go to the fair? I’ll be there.”
I’m in dream land…..
Dear Diary,
Oh wow, what a fantastic weekend!
I went to pick up Emil and another girl first. I was excited to see him. He looked so good and dressed really cool.
He gave me a VERY warm embrace and kiss on the cheek. I felt my eyes roll back in my head and my stomach flip.
We then picked up Sandra and her guy and went to the art fair.
I dropped everyone off at the door and was going to then find a parking spot. Emil stayed with me – :)))))
We walked into the fair together and it felt incredible.
How will this all play out? Will Emil be the REAL guy of my dreams? Watch HERE.
