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arriving in paris
CategoriesELEGANT TRAVEL, MANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of a Spiritual Woman: Video #13 (Arriving in PARIS!!!)

Dear Diary,

Well, here I am, on the airplane travelling to Paris. This almost feels like a dream, like I’m not REALLY experiencing this.

Yet, at the same time, I feel SO ultimately ready for this that I’m quite calm inside.

I think my leaving was a huge eye opener for people around me. It made them think about the purpose of life and going for your dreams.

I have such a heightened comfort with myself right now. In fact, I am remembering when I used to travel on planes with David.

I would look around at people travelling alone and feel sorry for them that they had no one to talk to…and yet, I secretly envied them. How were they able to travel all by themself?

And now, look at me!!! I am totally content being by myself! No pressures, just able to do what I want when I want!

I am in LOVE with this feeling of comfort and security.

Only 4 more hours until Paris!!! Wow…
_____________________________________

Dear Diary,

I’m here!!!! I’m in Paris!

Yikes!

All their phones need cards – no change! So I had to figure that out.

Then I had to figure a way to use la toilette while lugging my 2 HUGE suitcases. The toilet paper is dark pink!

I got my period – the timing! Thank God I had something in my purse!

I am starting to feel tired but I have to try and stay awake until I catch the TGV to go to Nantes.

My CD player stopped working which isn’t nice as that would have kept me awake.

Oh well, maybe I’ll get to see a lot of the countryside.

__________________________________
Dear Diary,

Okay, I should be in Nantes, but I’m not! I’m still in Paris!

I have just survived an incredible ordeal. I REALLY need to sleep now and I just want to cry to let out my frustration!

Everything was going well while I was waiting for my train. I didn’t see it arrive, even after the scheduled time, so I asked someone to watch my baggage (NOT SMART!) and ran up to ask someone what happened.

The ticket lady said the train had already left. Oh My God!!!

Now I had to take buses with my 2 heavy as hell bags and buy a new ticket.

I put the ticket in the passway and while pushing my first huge suitcase through the barrier locked! It wouldn’t let me or my second suitcase pass through!

My back is aching and I’m exhausted beyond belief so I thought, “Screw it!” and decided to take a taxi.

Well…. the cab drivers dusted off my seat and were SO nice to me and I’m thinking, “Paris is so great!”

The cab driver starts asking me if I want to see the Eiffel Tower and La Louvre because it’s so close to where I need to go.

I say sure but then I see the meter running FAST! It’s now up to 172 francs!

So I tell him to just go to the station as I don’t have much money.

He keeps talking and driving, showing me the Paris tunnel where Princess Diana died, La Seine, etc. etc. and now the meter is 240 francs!

I am frieking out inside so I tell him, “I only have 270 francs so please just go to the station.”

He got really angry and scoffed, “I should just drop you off here!”

I say I’m sorry and we don’t talk the rest of the way.

We finally arrived at the station and somehow I got my bags in an elevator, not knowing where I was going. Suddenly the doors opened and a girl stood in front of me and said, “Do you need help?”

I believe she was an angel sent from up above.  There was just such an angelic energy in the air.

I felt like weeping at her feet I was so grateful! She took me exactly where I needed to be and was gone as quickly as she appeared.

Lord, please let me sleep soon, this is enough…

Au revoir.

Join me HERE where I share my first days in France and the very unexpected things that occurred.

Have YOU ever travelled or moved to another country?  What were your first experiences?  Any funny, odd, or angelic experiences such as mine?  I’d love to hear about them in the comments below!

Or, perhaps you’ve always wanted to but are nervous.  Let me know as I can give you some great pointers that will save you from having to experience what I did – LOL!

A bientôt!

Erin Kurt

ekurt
moving to france
CategoriesELEGANT TRAVEL, MANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of a Spiritual Woman: Video #12 (Moving to France!)

Dear Diary,

Oh my God, all this paperwork is incredible! And the money it’s costing me to get everything notarized! I’m so stressed!

But… I am SO invigorated. I’m doing it! I’m actually going! My dream is coming true!!!! I’m moving to FRANCE!

God, I am so happy and grateful and excited!

Today I have a phone conversation with the father of the family I will be living with – he speaks some English Thank God! I’m nervous!!!

Later…

Oh MY GOD!!!!!!!!

I have just been on my knees sobbing. You are never going to guess what has happened.

While on the phone with the father (who was so nice by the way) he timidly said, “I have a question for you.”

Oui?

“The French government has declared that every school must begin an English program and the teachers at our local school feel terribly unprepared to do this. Would you be open to setting up and teaching the English program since we don’t really need much from you except to drop off and pick up the boys from school?”

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I replied, “Bien sur!” I would LOVE that!

The Universe had taken care of me. I honoured myself. I went after my dreams and the Universe gifted me exactly what I required to earn money & be a teacher in France!

Afte the call I literally dropped to my knees, sobbed and repeated, “Thank You , Thank You, Thank you!

I love me. I love my life. I love God.

I cannot believe that I leave in 2 weeks!

Side note:

I spent the next two weeks rushing around saying good bye to everyone, shopping and preparing for my move.

Matt never did return the phone call I made after returning from New York.

I didn’t care because I was so proud of myself.

I have done a lot of thinking recently and I realised I had put him up on a pedestal . The last month I was with him I always felt I had to look perfect and be perfect. I am at the point now where I won’t accept a relationship where you don’t feel like you can be yourself and feel accepted.

Like I feel when I’m with Tony.

Ever since returning from New York, he and I have been practically spending every day with each other.

We continued to laugh, sing together, go for countless nature walks where he taught me about different plants and birds (he was a forrest ranger), watched foreign films and ate yummy vegetarian meals together…that he cooked.

We have healed each other.

He brought me back to nature and the complete appreciation of it’s beauty. I will never look at a mountain scene or a tree the same way again.

He accepted me for exactly who I was. I could completeley be myself.

He was totally into music which reconnected me to a part of me that I missed. (I got to SING! – My Dream!!!)

I reconnected with Art and so many different styles of music – Shakira to name just one.

He reconnected me to laughter and my own sense of humour. He told me I helped him gain his self-confidence back and I am so happy I could give him something in return for all he’s done for me.

Honestly… I have never felt so at ease with myself.

Even when I went to the school to say good bye to the teachers and pick up a few things to bring to France for teaching.

I walked into the staff room, feeling so womanly, happy, confident and proud of myself and there was Matt.

I chatted with people and could see he was staring at me the whole time.

I finally turned to him.

He said, “Hi, how are you?”

“Good, really good.”

“I hear you’re off to France.”

“Yes!”

“That will be an amazing experience. I travelled around there one year.”

“Yeah, I ‘m very excited. Thanks. Well, I’d better photocopy these things and get going.”

“Have a great time,” he said.

“Thanks” I said with a warm smile.

As I drove away from the school I saw movement at the office window. It was Matt, standing alone, watching me leave. And that was the last I saw him.

Tomorrow I leave for Paris – Ahhhhh!!!!

JOIN me HERE for the post where I get on the plane and fly away to Paris!!! And, of course, you know that at this time in my life there was always drama, so come see what happens once I land in Paris.

I’m curious… what do you think about the whole Matt story?  Do you think if I had stayed in Canada we would have sorted things out and gotten back together?

Do you think he was for real or just a person sent my way to get me away from my marriage so that my next evolution could take place? Let’s chat in the comments!!

Bisous!

Erin Kurt

ekurt
CategoriesELEGANT TRAVEL, MANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of a Spiritual Woman: Video #11 (MY DREAM COME TRUE!)

Dear Diary,

Today was court day for David and I had to attend in case they wanted me to testify.

“How am I going to sit there with him looking at me?” I thought. I didn’t have to testify in the end though. Thank God.

The prosecutor offered him a deal, which he took, so after a long while of back and forth the case was closed. He would have to report to probation once a month, take an anger management course and refrain from contacting me or coming to our home for one year.

David got up from his seat and walked past me. Our eyes met. Man he looked handsome, just like when we first met.

I felt deep and utter caring for him since we’ve been through so much together. This all seemed so surreal.

I have questioned my decision on many different occasions. And, for many reasons, I’ve doubted myself.

  1. The house is finally finished and it’s beautiful. I really resent not being able to live in it after working so hard for it.
  2. There were many great things about our marriage and I miss those times. He always made me feel like I was the ONLY one for him. I want to feel this again. Will I?

I never wanted anything really horrible to happen to him and by how his hands were shaking in court, I know this has scared him.

Time will heal us both. I just need to continue on my journey of discovering who I am and what I want.

I need to get a very strong sense of who I am so that when I get in a relationship again I am sure of my beliefs, desires and needs.

I felt my sense of self slip away when I was with Matt and I didn’t like that feeling. Heck, even HE didn’t like it!

Hmmmm…what do I want?

If I’m honest, I SO want to go to France and live there. I’ve been feeling the calling for 2 years! Well actually, it’s been my dream since elementary school.

How can I make this a reality though?

I asked God this question and was told to go to the University’s International section where everyone I had ever admired had gone to figure out how to do their studies in a different country.

“Maybe they can guide me,” I thought.

Because it was summer holidays I spent days reading through books on “How to Work in France”.

I found numbers of schools and tried calling them.

I was SO nervous to speak French with a real Parisian!!!

“La Parisienne” said they weren’t accepting non-European teachers at this time.

After a couple of weeks of researching and becoming excited as well as disheartened, I realized that I basically had two options:

  1. To be a Grape Picker
  2. To be an Au Pair.

I was a teacher, and a damn good one! How could I be an au pair!?

Well, it’s wasn’t my dream, but at least I’d have experience with children…?

I went back and forth on this. I chatted with countless people saying, “Yeah, I’m thinking of going to live in France, but…

  • I’d have to leave and come back during a recession where all they do is lay off teachers. I need to be smart and stay here to keep my name in the loop.
  • I’d have to be an au pair! I’m not a spring chicken! I’m a 25 year old divorcee!
  • I NEED to work! I didn’t want a long drawn out divorce so I settled for nothing but $10,000. How am I supposed to live on that?

I’ll never forget the day that something clicked within me. I remember where I was. I was sitting outside on a beautiful summer’s day, chatting with a friend of a friend and he said,

“Go for it! Life will be here waiting for you. It’s your dream!”

It was almost as if I needed that permission. I went home to Edmonton after a great weekend and made my decision.

I was going to France. And I was going to be an au pair. This was MY time.

And as soon as I announced my decision my whole body knew that THIS was exactly what it was supposed to do.

Join me HERE when the VERY FIRST MIRACLE OCCURS in this exquisite journey!

Have you ever had a dream (or maybe you still do?) that you so desperately desire(d), but logically it just didn’t or doesn’t feel doable?  Share that in the comments below.  Perhaps I can help you see your way through it a bit.

Much love,

Erin Kurt

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huge embarrassment
CategoriesMANIFESTING INNER PEACE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of a Spiritual Woman Video #10 (I’m SO Embarrassed!)

Dear Diary,

I went to Calgary and talked to a lot of people and they all agreed that Matt was acting weird. One girl was even a therapist and she said she thinks he’s had the chase and now he can’t commit.

I was determind to talk to him when he called. I needed to express my feelings about everything and then decide whether I’m even still interested in keeping this thing going.

Tuesday he calls and I give him the cold shoulder big time. I am just soooooo mad at him! He seems like such a fake to me now. Like he is a COMPLETELY different person than he showed me at school.

I have NO idea what’s going on with him but tonight he phoned and we’re going out tomorrow.

I have to say I am seriously thinking of ending this because I literally do not recognize this person and it scares me how different he is.

Can someone actually act as good as he did and then be how he is is now???

I HATE THIS F-CKING SHIT!

This makes me want to just go to France and screw everyone and start my own life over without any screwed up MEN!

AHHHHHHHHH! I just want to SCREAM!!!!!

We’ll see how tomorrow goes.

Friday morning Matt called and says he got called into the gardening centre (he was working at a Garden Centre over the summer) so we can’t go out.

I was SO disappointed and angry because he didn’t even sound sorry or sad that he wouldn’t be seeing me. So I said, “I thought this would happen.”

He said, What do you mean?”

“Oh, there just seems to be a trend happening here.”

He was unhappy but managed to be the bigger of us two and said, “Have a good day.”

All I said was, “Yeah, thanks.”

Days went by and he didn’t call. I’m thinking, “Wow, he is giving me a huge hint that he wants things to be over.”

I’m depressed, stressed and angry.

I had a HUGE cry after reading the poems he wrote me and thought, “Where did all this go???”

I decided to call him and leave a message asking him to please call me.

He did and we set up a time to meet tomorrow.

Damn! He looked amazing. I melted. I missed him so much. I missed the terrific times we had at school and the feelings we shared.

All I wanted to do was hug him and say, “God, can’t we just make this work?”

I was SO nervous. My whole body was shaking. He asked right away what I wanted to talk about.

We chit chatted and then I said I felt disappointed. As soon as I said this he chimed in, “Well, I’m VERY disappointed too.”

I was shocked!

He went on to say how he hates the way I’ve treated him on the phone and how he cannot continue to feel pressured by me, and that he still needs time.

My gut hurt when he said this. I felt so stupid and embarassed at my behaviour on the phone – that was so immature and how I would have acted when I was a teenager, not a woman!

The feeling pressured part caught me off guard though. I asked him if he still needed time because he wasn’t over his girlfriend and he said, yes, and that he’s working through the hurtful things she said to him.

“Oh God,” I thought. “This is going to take forever!”

We went back and forth and I took a lot of criticism. He basically told me that he finds my behaviours totally unattractive and that he DID feel things for me but now he just feels as a friend.

That made my heart feel broken. I wanted to burst out crying.

I told him that I began to feel like I was just satisfying a need because that was all we did when we were together. This really pissed him off and said that now I’m attacking his character.

I felt bad but in my heart that’s how I really felt!

He is really hurt and angry and I’m hurt, scared and upset that I’ve lost someone I feel like I love already.

He was going to leave in anger so I reached out to touch his arm and said, “I don’t want to end things this way.”

He calmed down and said some complimentary things about me and my strength and my dedication to my job, and that basically I’m a complete package.

I didn’t understand how he could say that after saying everything else.

I said, “I guess not complete enough”. If I could have broke down sobbing on that table I would have. My behaviour lost this possible love!

Oh my God, Erin, what have you done???

We walked to his car. He gave back my candles and Shakira CD that I had brought to his house. We chit chatted a bit. I apologized for my behaviour and said I don’t think he’s gotten who I really am and that this is not what I’m all about.

He said “I know. I wanna hug you”

He took me in his manly arms and gave me a beautiful, warm hug and asked when I was leaving for my trip to New York and when I’d be back.

“Call me when you get back,” he said.

Ahhhhh, a good ending. Thank God.

I walked to my car in shock and heart break.

This meeting had turned out completely different than I expected.

Here I was, embarrassed and broken, with my candles and CD in hand walking back to my car, with my future totally unclear.

When I returned home all I could do for the rest of the day was think.

Was I right in feeling what I felt?

Was it okay that I expressed what I felt I needed to?

Was he right about me?

I realized a lot today:

  1. I was totally out of line for treating him poorly on the phone the way I did. I always dreamed of having an ADULT relationship and then I go and act like an immature adolescent. I’m embarrassed.
  2. I DO need time to cut these guys out of my life and really become strong and sure of who I am and what I think is right.
  3. I do think I was justified in stating that I wouldn’t have felt as strongly as I did if he would have made me feel more special OUTSIDE of  the bedroom, even for just 1 day! I stand behind this and I think I made this point clear when I reminded him of things he said. He admitted, “Maybe I should have sent you flowers. I’m sorry I didn’t make you feel special”

I hope he thinks about things as much as I have and I hope he takes to heart some of the points I made. It will be 4 weeks until I’m back from New York, so we’ve both got time.

I am going to miss him incredibly but actually I think this time apart will make us both cool down, have time to think about how we really feel about one another and hopefully get rid of some of our personal baggage.

And of course, I hope in my heart that he misses me and that when I get back he will have a clear picture of what he wants.

But before I go, I have a court case to attend….Davids.

Join me HERE for the post where I make the BIG decision to follow my dream and LIVE IN FRANCE!!!!  See how it all plays out!

Did you take away any A Ha’s from this video?  If so, I’d absolutely LOVE to hear them in the comment section below!

With so much Love,

Erin Kurt

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emotional rollercoaster
CategoriesMANIFESTING INNER PEACE, MANIFESTING LOVE & PLEASURE, THE MAKING OF A SPIRITUAL WOMAN

The Making of a Spiritual Woman: Video #9 (Emotional Rollercoaster!)

Dear Diary,

What an emotional roller coaster this week!

I’ll just start right away with the latest. Matt moved out and he ignored me! I was truly angry and hurt. He said,  “Give me time”.  I said, “Yeah well, I’m moving on and when you’re ready, I’ll see.”

He was angry and hurt at this. I continued to be angry and he kept trying to chat with me and I gave short and quick answers.

The FUN news is that my friends from high school got married and I got TONNES of attention ate the wedding! It was amazing!

I thought to myself… OK, I’ll be nice to Matt now that I’ve got 100 other options.

On Sports Day at school I was on a high. I was loving myself and my life. I felt confident and totally in tune with myself…

And then Matt asked if I’d like to go for a drink after work.

I said, yes. Okay, I admit it, I was happy. Happy he was still interested. Happy because I really DO like him. Happy to have his attention again.

He said, “Really? Cool!”

The difference this time was that he invited some friends along too. Hmm…he forgot to mention that part.

We had a really nice time and then he asked if I’d like to come back to his place.

We watched a bit of TV and then he took my hand, turned to me and said,

“I’ve been waiting for this time for ever, and now I feel so nervous, like a 14 year old. I just want to kiss you.”

Ahhhhhh!!!!! I was melting. God, when he talked to me like this I felt like I was living in a movie. I was experiencing romance. Romance that I never thought I would ever, ever get to experience in my life!

I said, “Just do it” and so we kissed. It was soft, tender and then quickly grew passionate REAL fast. We chatted and kissed for a bit and then I had to go home as we both had work the next day.

I was on cloud nine. Wow, I honoured myself and then while I was happy, he came back as he saw what he was missing.

YEAH ME!

I went to school full of energy and bliss and….he completely ignored me.

I was pissed off, but I didn’t show it. I just acted distant too.

The following week he stopped by my classroom and handed me one of his famous little notes, “Walk & talk?” it said.

I went over to his place that evening and as soon as I stepped into his house he grabbed me and said, “I’ve been waiting so long to do this.” Then he kissed me REALLY passionately.

I was in shock!

I felt desirable. I felt womanly. I felt what I had wanted to feel for years….PASSION!

We drank wine, got tipsy, danced to Shakira’s Spanish album, and made love for the very first time.

(And yes, it was indescribable.)

The next day everything was great and continues to be amazing except… we don’t see each other a lot outside of school.

His friends ask him to do things a lot, which is great for him – I’m truly, very happy for him except that he’ll cancel with me or just keep going with them and this makes me question how he truly feels about me and what he’s actually looking for.

I figured that he would feel the same way as me because of all the things he had said and wrote me.

Why wasn’t he as desperate to spend every moment with me as I was with him??

Why was he so on and off?

If you feel strongly about someone you want to spend time with them, right?

I think when we see each other on Friday I’ll ask him where he wants things to go.I can’t take this emotional roller coaster any more.

Friday came and Matt called to tell me what “he and his friend are doing” and would I like to come?

WHATTTT???? Excuse me????

How long has it been since you’ve seen me and you make plans with a friend and invite me to come along after we had already spoken about getting toether on Friday???

I was PISSED!

However, I figured, “Ok, after tonight, I’ll have a big talk with him.”

Then I find out he’s putting his dog down. I DEFINITELY know what utter pain that is so I was NOT going to try and talk about “our relationship” issues.

I arrived at his house and it was pouring rain. I drove us to his friend’s house and as we ran from the car to the house I put up the hood of my jacket.

While we stood waiting for his friend to open the door he looked at me, laughed, and took my hood off.

The head chatter was quick and furious.

You’re not attractive enough. You’re not womanly enough for him. He doesn’t really like you. What are you even doing with him, Erin? Try really hard to impress his friends so he likes you.”

Later, I drove him back to his house. We started talking about how he’s been feeling about putting his dog down. I was listening, being very supportive then he said, “Thank you for coming out tonight – it was fun!”

I don’t know where this came from, but out of my mouth popped, “You know, I would really like for you and I to just go out and have fun together.

He replied,“Yeah, that’ll come.”

Arghhhh!

I was so pissed off that I scoffed, “Yeah”.

He said, “What was that?” I said, “Nothing.”

He said, “You can’t do something like that and then say, “Nothing”.

I said, “Well, I do need to talk to you but now is for sure not the right time.”

He asked if I wanted to talk to him before or after tonight and I said before.

He had a worried look on his face and all I could think of was, “What the hell are you worried about? What do you really FEEL?”

I left shortly after feeling depressed, deflated, confused, unattractive, low…

Thank God I was going to Calgary to be with friends that weekend. I need to get perspective on this whole thing. Would they tell me to calm down or to walk away?

What would YOU do at this point?  What do you think they tell me?  What do you think I did? Tell me in the comments below, okay?  Your comments make this whole series even more fun!

Click HERE for Part 10 of “The Making of a Spiritual Woman: A Pilgrimage that Began in Paris”, where I experience a HUGE embarrassment!

Love,

Erin Kurt

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