Dear Diary,
Today was court day for David and I had to attend in case they wanted me to testify.
“How am I going to sit there with him looking at me?” I thought. I didn’t have to testify in the end though. Thank God.
The prosecutor offered him a deal, which he took, so after a long while of back and forth the case was closed. He would have to report to probation once a month, take an anger management course and refrain from contacting me or coming to our home for one year.
David got up from his seat and walked past me. Our eyes met. Man he looked handsome, just like when we first met.
I felt deep and utter caring for him since we’ve been through so much together. This all seemed so surreal.
I have questioned my decision on many different occasions. And, for many reasons, I’ve doubted myself.
- The house is finally finished and it’s beautiful. I really resent not being able to live in it after working so hard for it.
- There were many great things about our marriage and I miss those times. He always made me feel like I was the ONLY one for him. I want to feel this again. Will I?
I never wanted anything really horrible to happen to him and by how his hands were shaking in court, I know this has scared him.
Time will heal us both. I just need to continue on my journey of discovering who I am and what I want.
I need to get a very strong sense of who I am so that when I get in a relationship again I am sure of my beliefs, desires and needs.
I felt my sense of self slip away when I was with Matt and I didn’t like that feeling. Heck, even HE didn’t like it!
Hmmmm…what do I want?
If I’m honest, I SO want to go to France and live there. I’ve been feeling the calling for 2 years! Well actually, it’s been my dream since elementary school.
How can I make this a reality though?
I asked God this question and was told to go to the University’s International section where everyone I had ever admired had gone to figure out how to do their studies in a different country.
“Maybe they can guide me,” I thought.
Because it was summer holidays I spent days reading through books on “How to Work in France”.
I found numbers of schools and tried calling them.
I was SO nervous to speak French with a real Parisian!!!
“La Parisienne” said they weren’t accepting non-European teachers at this time.
After a couple of weeks of researching and becoming excited as well as disheartened, I realized that I basically had two options:
- To be a Grape Picker
- To be an Au Pair.
I was a teacher, and a damn good one! How could I be an au pair!?
Well, it’s wasn’t my dream, but at least I’d have experience with children…?
I went back and forth on this. I chatted with countless people saying, “Yeah, I’m thinking of going to live in France, but…
- I’d have to leave and come back during a recession where all they do is lay off teachers. I need to be smart and stay here to keep my name in the loop.
- I’d have to be an au pair! I’m not a spring chicken! I’m a 25 year old divorcee!
- I NEED to work! I didn’t want a long drawn out divorce so I settled for nothing but $10,000. How am I supposed to live on that?
I’ll never forget the day that something clicked within me. I remember where I was. I was sitting outside on a beautiful summer’s day, chatting with a friend of a friend and he said,
“Go for it! Life will be here waiting for you. It’s your dream!”
It was almost as if I needed that permission. I went home to Edmonton after a great weekend and made my decision.
I was going to France. And I was going to be an au pair. This was MY time.
And as soon as I announced my decision my whole body knew that THIS was exactly what it was supposed to do.
Join me HERE when the VERY FIRST MIRACLE OCCURS in this exquisite journey!
Have you ever had a dream (or maybe you still do?) that you so desperately desire(d), but logically it just didn’t or doesn’t feel doable? Share that in the comments below. Perhaps I can help you see your way through it a bit.
Much love,
