Dear Diary,
What an emotional roller coaster this week!
I’ll just start right away with the latest. Matt moved out and he ignored me! I was truly angry and hurt. He said, “Give me time”. I said, “Yeah well, I’m moving on and when you’re ready, I’ll see.”
He was angry and hurt at this. I continued to be angry and he kept trying to chat with me and I gave short and quick answers.
The FUN news is that my friends from high school got married and I got TONNES of attention ate the wedding! It was amazing!
I thought to myself… OK, I’ll be nice to Matt now that I’ve got 100 other options.
On Sports Day at school I was on a high. I was loving myself and my life. I felt confident and totally in tune with myself…
And then Matt asked if I’d like to go for a drink after work.
I said, yes. Okay, I admit it, I was happy. Happy he was still interested. Happy because I really DO like him. Happy to have his attention again.
He said, “Really? Cool!”
The difference this time was that he invited some friends along too. Hmm…he forgot to mention that part.
We had a really nice time and then he asked if I’d like to come back to his place.
We watched a bit of TV and then he took my hand, turned to me and said,
“I’ve been waiting for this time for ever, and now I feel so nervous, like a 14 year old. I just want to kiss you.”
Ahhhhhh!!!!! I was melting. God, when he talked to me like this I felt like I was living in a movie. I was experiencing romance. Romance that I never thought I would ever, ever get to experience in my life!
I said, “Just do it” and so we kissed. It was soft, tender and then quickly grew passionate REAL fast. We chatted and kissed for a bit and then I had to go home as we both had work the next day.
I was on cloud nine. Wow, I honoured myself and then while I was happy, he came back as he saw what he was missing.
YEAH ME!
I went to school full of energy and bliss and….he completely ignored me.
I was pissed off, but I didn’t show it. I just acted distant too.
The following week he stopped by my classroom and handed me one of his famous little notes, “Walk & talk?” it said.
I went over to his place that evening and as soon as I stepped into his house he grabbed me and said, “I’ve been waiting so long to do this.” Then he kissed me REALLY passionately.
I was in shock!
I felt desirable. I felt womanly. I felt what I had wanted to feel for years….PASSION!
We drank wine, got tipsy, danced to Shakira’s Spanish album, and made love for the very first time.
(And yes, it was indescribable.)
The next day everything was great and continues to be amazing except… we don’t see each other a lot outside of school.
His friends ask him to do things a lot, which is great for him – I’m truly, very happy for him except that he’ll cancel with me or just keep going with them and this makes me question how he truly feels about me and what he’s actually looking for.
I figured that he would feel the same way as me because of all the things he had said and wrote me.
Why wasn’t he as desperate to spend every moment with me as I was with him??
Why was he so on and off?
If you feel strongly about someone you want to spend time with them, right?
I think when we see each other on Friday I’ll ask him where he wants things to go.I can’t take this emotional roller coaster any more.
Friday came and Matt called to tell me what “he and his friend are doing” and would I like to come?
WHATTTT???? Excuse me????
How long has it been since you’ve seen me and you make plans with a friend and invite me to come along after we had already spoken about getting toether on Friday???
I was PISSED!
However, I figured, “Ok, after tonight, I’ll have a big talk with him.”
Then I find out he’s putting his dog down. I DEFINITELY know what utter pain that is so I was NOT going to try and talk about “our relationship” issues.
I arrived at his house and it was pouring rain. I drove us to his friend’s house and as we ran from the car to the house I put up the hood of my jacket.
While we stood waiting for his friend to open the door he looked at me, laughed, and took my hood off.
The head chatter was quick and furious.
You’re not attractive enough. You’re not womanly enough for him. He doesn’t really like you. What are you even doing with him, Erin? Try really hard to impress his friends so he likes you.”
Later, I drove him back to his house. We started talking about how he’s been feeling about putting his dog down. I was listening, being very supportive then he said, “Thank you for coming out tonight – it was fun!”
I don’t know where this came from, but out of my mouth popped, “You know, I would really like for you and I to just go out and have fun together.
He replied,“Yeah, that’ll come.”
Arghhhh!
I was so pissed off that I scoffed, “Yeah”.
He said, “What was that?” I said, “Nothing.”
He said, “You can’t do something like that and then say, “Nothing”.
I said, “Well, I do need to talk to you but now is for sure not the right time.”
He asked if I wanted to talk to him before or after tonight and I said before.
He had a worried look on his face and all I could think of was, “What the hell are you worried about? What do you really FEEL?”
I left shortly after feeling depressed, deflated, confused, unattractive, low…
Thank God I was going to Calgary to be with friends that weekend. I need to get perspective on this whole thing. Would they tell me to calm down or to walk away?
What would YOU do at this point? What do you think they tell me? What do you think I did? Tell me in the comments below, okay? Your comments make this whole series even more fun!
Click HERE for Part 10 of “The Making of a Spiritual Woman: A Pilgrimage that Began in Paris”, where I experience a HUGE embarrassment!
Love,
