Dear Diary,
Yikes! My brain is cluttered. I just want to take a hot bath with essential oils and have some soft music playing and candles burning…
I’m not able to do this right now, so instead I am choosing to listen to music, sing out loud and DANCE! This always makes me feel better:)
Things are just getting so complicated.
Guy is a wreck and actually making me scared.
Everywhere I am, he turns up! I’m driving, he’s beside me on the road. I’m at the train station, he’s there and wants to talk.
I’m at the movies and I feel his presence and boom! It turns out he was there!
And today, Emil, Sandra, her boyfriend and I were doing errands for my Italy trip and whose there? GUY!
I was paying at the cashier and looked up and there he was.
He said, “I promise I didn’t plan this.”
I’m feeling scared! Who IS this person?
Sandra and I were back at her place and Guy called. He was sobbing and saying he needed to talk. God! It’s April and at this exact time last year I felt exactly the same…
Stressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, pressured. I started to cry, as I just couldn’t hold in all my emotions any more.
I agreed to let Guy come over for 5-10 minutes and what did he show up with? Flowers.
He told me to look at him and tell him it was over and would never be again.
“Regards moi, Erin. Regards moi et dis moi que c’est fini entre nous”. (“Look at me, Erin. Look at me and tell me it’s finished between us”)
I looked straight into his eyes and told him, “Guy, c’est fini.”
Somehow this helped him, so we just sat and talked in a very adult way about how things would be between us from now on.
After he left I felt a HUGE sense of relief. This was not the life I wanted. I needed to be FREE and continue learning who Erin was.
What do I like?
What do I want out of life?
I want to deepen my connection to God/Spirit/ what ever it is.
I WANT that. THAT is what my soul is desiring.
After a while, Emil and Sandra’s boyfriend came over. It felt SO good to have him there – a calm, happy presence.
We had an amazing time laughing and talking and connecting. Emil held my hand and guided me to sit on his lap so he could cuddle me.
We had such easy conversation and all I could think was, “Erin, is this your life?”
“You are with a gorgeous, dark-haired guy who treats you so kindly, so tenderly and is SO into learning about you, your life and your interests. I cannot believe this is your life!”
Dear Diary,
Today I went to Emil’s apartment and we ate lunch, sang songs together, watched a music concert on TV then decided to go for a walk near my house.
He was so excited to experience my world! He looked at all my photos from Canada with such delight and then asked for me to show him my favourite walk by my house.
Oh my goodness…
We walked through fields of flowers and chateaux taking photos, hugging and laughing…a lot!
I felt so loved and cared for. See? Guy isn’t the only man in the world who will treat me right!
Why did I think that? I would have settled if I had stayed with him!
But… I leave for Italy in 2 days – what can ever come of this?
Dear Diary,
Today I head to Italy!!! Guy was kind enough to take me to the dermatologists office to get the prescription for my acne. The doctor says I should notice a difference in a week – oh, I hope so!
Now, the plan was to meet at Emil’s house so I could say good-bye and he could take me to the train station.
I didn’t know what to do because Guy offered to drive me to the train station but I kept saying,
“No, it’s okay. I need to say good-bye to everyone from Prague anyway.”
So, he offered to drop me off there.
I hated this, but didn’t quite know what to say!
Emil and Sandra’s boyfriend were waiting outside for me – uh oh…
As soon as Emil saw me I could tell he was emotional.
Guy drove off and Emil came up to me, put his arm around my shoulders and walked me into the apartment.
Shit, I hope Guy was far enough away that he didn’t see that!
Emil and I spent our last couple of hours talking and kissing in his bedroom. We kept telling each other over and over how much we would miss each other and how sad we were that we met so late.
When I would return from Italy he would be back in Prague. This was a totally intense romance between us.
He asked to keep a picture of me and I could feel how intensely he felt for me when I gave it to him.
Oh God, what is this all about?
We walked to the Boulangerie to buy something for me to eat on the train and couldn’t stop touching eachother. He had to have his hand on my back and I had to be touching his hand – it was like we didn’t want to be disconnected from each other.
He even turned to me and said, “Erin, can you believe that today is one week exactly that we got together?”
What guy remembers those things…and in the middle of a grocery store??
I LOVE this!
We continued on to the train station and I felt a pit in my stomach.
One, because I was going to have to leave Emil and this amazing, new relationship and two, because I felt Guy’s energy somewhere.
I just felt that he was there, but I wasn’t going to ruin this beautiful moment.
Emil and I went to sit on a bench on the train station platform. We faced one another and stared into each other’s eyes while holding hands.
I felt like I was in a movie, a romantic, magical movie, when all of a sudden….
I turned to see Guy charging up the stairs of the train station.
I winced and said, “Guy, pourquoi tu fais ca?” (“Guy, why are you doing this?”)
He spit out, “I looked back in the mirror of my car! I knew this started when we were still together!”
I said, “Non, ce n’est pas vrai!” (“No, it’s not true”)
He stomped away, then turned back around and said to me,
“When you come back, you give me back my knapsack and then that’s it – I don’t want to see you!”
Then he turned to Emil and said, “This doesn’t bother you, hey? You probably like it!”
Emil and I were in shock. He kept saying the F word over and over and over again and told me how sorry he was that I was going to have to come back and deal with all of this by myself.
Wow, I felt so protected by his caring words.
We only had two minutes before my train arrived, so I put Guy out of my mind and just focused on Emil.
Soon the train arrived. We stood up and walked slowly to the carriage.
The door opened, we shared a tender kiss and then as I boarded the train, I felt his hand on my back. Oh, his touch…
The train started pulling away and just like in old movies, he walked alongside the train with his gaze fixated on mine.
As I stared out the window at him, the last thing I remember seeing is him kissing his fingers and raising them up into a peace sign.
I felt like crying because today, I’m leaving a true romance, I’ve hurt and angered someone who has respected and loved me unconditionally, and to top it all off, today, my divorce is legally over. Talk about endings….
So, here I sit, on a train in France, heading to Italy, and even with everything that just transpired a moment ago, I still am having the time of my life.
Join me HERE for the very last post in this series, where I share one of the biggest lessons I learned while in France.
See you tomorrow!
With love,
